Day 5

Grouch grouch grouch! Right now, I'm sitting down to my lunch: oven roasted asparagus spears - no butter, oil, salt or even lemon juice, and mushrooms that i "fried" in a pan using water. I tossed the mushrooms with some cloves of garlic that i roasted in a tiny TINY bit of olive oil. And let me tell you...it's a frakkin' FEAST!!! I never knew that veggies cooked in nothing could taste so good. Better than another shake, for sure! And let's not forget the huge bucket o' water I'm carrying around because I'm afraid I'm getting dehydrated.

So let's see: today I got on the scale and it hadn't moved. I'm over it. It's New Year's Eve...I'm going to a get-together across the street with people who will NOTICE if I'm not into the vino...so I have to figure out how to deal with that. Last night I went to see Sherlock Holmes (fantastic flick!) and did NOT have popcorn or a drink while my girlfriend did. That took a lot of control. Today, my children are eating a bag of chips left over from Christmas junk-a-palooza, and I have had none. I'm grouchy as hell, but I'm being strong.

My brother told me today that next week, he's planning on quitting smoking. And I told him that I thought this was a lot like quitting smoking...if EVERYONE around you was smoking...and every TV show and commercial showed smoking in it...and you had to go to the store and buy cigarettes for everyone else...and light them for them...and people kept asking you "what's for smoking tonight?"...then he'd be close to what this is like. However, that being said...the mushroom/asparagus/garlic was GREAT...and it's gone...and I'm not starving this minute, and that's a good thing!

Day 4

Well...here I am on day 4. I must say, I'm not AS hungry...not during the day, anyway. In the evening, it's still pretty bad. I've always been a breakfast skipper, so not having a big meal in the morning isn't a big deal...but I'm a big dinner fan, so not having a big dinner is 'bout killing me. Somehow, I think it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a family to feed. The last 2 nights, I've given them food that I find repellant - hamburger helper, and SPAM sandwiches (which they told me tasted like cat food, and then proceeded to devour). But I gotta tell you...even that SPAM smelled good to me. I am apparently desperate enough to eat cat food at this point.

I told another friend. Her reaction was very positive, and she said that it would be good for all of us. A ripple effect. It's kind of sad to think that my fatness is keeping some of my friends fat too! But maybe that's why we were attracted to each other in the first place...a bunch of enablers! Yikes. I wonder what others have found the ripple effect to be?

BTW...I'm down 10lbs from my in office weight taken on Dec 22. Not too shabby!

Finally Allowed On The Boards!

I finally got permission to post on the SWLC boards! Which is wonderful, because I really need the support. There seems to be a lot of good advice on there, and more important than the advice, there are a lot of people who are really being successful there, and right now, at this moment, where I'm questioning my sanity for finally making this decision, I need to read that stuff!

Today, this far, I've had a black coffee, and one shake. And I wasn't hungry until I ate the shake. Weird. For Christmas, I got a french press for my coffee, and let me tell you...it makes FANTASTIC coffee! I think I am done with brewed coffee! French press all the way! I'd sell my mother for some cream in it though! lol!

Struggling...

So here I am, the evening of only the second day, and I am struggling. I got some of the recommended low glycemic veggies that are on the list, and I ate some...and I think that eating them might have made me even hungrier than I was! In reading other blogs, I'm seeing that I WILL make it through this, but right now, at this second...man am I bitchy!

If I could have anything in the world at the moment, it would be a pepperoni pizza with tons of cheese. Like a really good one, from New York. Not that I've ever had New York pepperoni pizza, but I bet it's better than any other kind. Totally craving pizza though, and when I think that my days of pigging out are over, it really depresses me. Food is the greatest pleasure of my life, and I'm pretty much giving it up...and I'm sad. I'm not sad about all the stuff that I'll be able to do because I'm giving it up...but right now, I'm really going to miss it. I'm sad.

Medi-Trim - Day Two

Last night, I went to bed and lay there, feeling my tummy growling. It made me realize how foreign the feeling of being really hungry is to me. I remember doing Weight Watchers about 6 years ago, and that was my mantra before I put something in my mouth: "are you even hungry??" And most often, the answer was no.

However...right now...definitely hungry! This morning, I thought I'd try mixing my vanilla Medi-Trim with my coffee...making some kind of weird, Play-Doh flavoured frappaccino-esque beverage. The first sip was a little jarring. But after a few more sips, it wasn't that horrible. I'll tell you...I'm really not looking forward to the lunch Medi-Trim though. I want to call them "shakes", but they're so not yummy and shake-y.

Maybe I'm complaining a lot. Not sounding super positive at the moment. I'm sure that will change. Maybe today I'll go buy a scale that will weigh me...maybe watching the scale go down will make me feel a little more positive.

Freakin' STARVING!!!!!!

Oh my GOD...how am I going to make it to January 12th?? I'm ridiculously hungry. And it's only been 24 hours...not even!! Ugh. I'm going to bed.

Medi-Trim - Day One

Ok...so day one was supposed to be yesterday. But we went to Sauble Beach yesterday for Boxing Day dinner with the family-in-law, and I just could not have done it in front of all of them. I'd have had to explain, and I just couldn't. So I had a ham dinner. And then came home and ate a leftover turkey sammich, and some leftover veggie casserole. And today. TODAY is the day.

So my first package is the vanilla. Like a lot of people, I ordered half vanilla and half chocolate, and I'm trying the vanilla first. It's not as horrible as I thought it might be, actually. It smells almost exactly like Play-Doh. It tastes a little like it too (don't act like you don't know what Play-Doh tastes like). But it's not the worst thing in the world. Of course, I say that after the first package. Who knows how I'll feel a couple of days in. Anyway...off to go shopping with my mother to try and find the best Boxing Day deals.

Pre-op and blood test...CHECK!

Went for my pre-op Dr's appointment and blood work today. According to the scale at my Dr's office has me at 8lbs less than I was when they weighed me at the SWLC. So...either all my "goodbye food" eating this holiday hasn't taken hold as badly as I thought, or I like my Dr's scale WAY better than the SWLC one. At any rate, I need to find a scale for home...a good one. And I'm sure because of x-mas, they're all sold out. This should be fun.

First Post - Pre-Surgery!

Well...the decision has been made. The non-refundable deposit has been deposited. And so, on January 12th, 2010, I will go under the knife and become what they call a "bandster". My gastric band surgery will be, I very much hope, the finale in a lifetime of (failed) weight loss attempts.

I've always been the fat chick. I probably started realizing that I was a fatty in about grade one. My mother was very vocal about how much fatter I was than the other little girls (although now, looking back at photos, I was NOT...however...I digress). I really embraced the fat girl persona. I actually love being the fat girl! Seriously! I swear, I'd tell you if I didn't! I'm funny, smart and pretty, so being a fatty hasn't held me back like it might have held some girls back. I've enjoyed it. I absolutely LOVE having big boobs, and being soft...I seriously DO like myself. So why commit to a surgically invasive, possibly dangerous, OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive procedure in order to permanently (although reversibly) change my eating habits? Well...there are a few reasons: first of all, while I love being a fatty, I seem to have, while I wasn't paying attention, slipped into a category I believe is known as "deathfat". Morbidly obese. Actually, I think I may even be beyond that, at SUPER obese! Really, where is there to go from here other than washing myself with a rag on a stick and waiting for Jerry Springer and his crew to come and remove a wall from the living room to get me out of my house? That's one. Second, I hurt my knee last February, and I need to have it repaired...it has been suggested to me that I might not even be a candidate for knee surgery if I don't weigh less. Thirdly, I have 2 gorgeous little boys, aged 9 and 3, and I'd love to not die of a massive coronary in front of them. So really, this seemed like the only option left.

While I may seem cavalier about all of this, really I'm not. I'm pretty deeply ashamed that I have to go to this length to lose weight, and that I've let things get to this point. But this blog isn't about that so much as it's about journaling the experience, and giving myself something to look back on so I remember and don't ever end up here again.

Today I got my package from the SWLC. Lots of paperwork. An impressively vivid release form for me to sign. And some skin wash for me to use pre and post operatively, which for some reason really freaked me out. Yesterday and today are the first days I've really let myself think about this. Prior to this, I haven't been able to think about it, and I certainly haven't been able to TALK about it. Only a few people know, and I'm hoping to keep it that way. My husband, my parents, my brother, and 3 select, very close friends. Other than that, I'm really wanting to keep it quiet. So shhhh.