Craziest Thing!

I got a decent fill...and I haven't spent the whole week thinking about food! It's amazing! Yeah ok...I might have a slow leak, and yeah, I might only get to feel like this for a little while, but this week, it really helped my BRAIN...you know?

I spend a LOT of time thinking about food. What I'm going to "get to eat" next. Like everything is a big exciting treat, rather than fuel to keep my body running. And so, as a result, I spend a lot of time fighting the desire to eat, or feeling guilty because of what I wasn't strong enough to resist eating. And I HATE HATE HATE that fucking FOOD takes up so much of my thought process! Why can't it be world peace, or mathematical equations, or how to solve the deficit? Nope. It's hot wings.

But this week...after the fill...I have noticed a change in how much I THINK about food. I noticed too that I can eat less, but it's the change in my brain that has really blown me away. That said, last night, I didn't eat dinner, and it was like 11:30pm, and I was driving home, and all I wanted in this world was to stop at McDonalds (and I don't even LIKE McDonalds) and get a McChicken sammich. I did NOT do that. But my gods did I want to! Why is it that when we are really really STARVING, we crave crap? Why was I not craving a delicious grilled chicken breast and some roasted asparagus, huh?? Stupid fatty-brain!

Those are my thoughts this fine Sunday morning.

The Good News Is...

...I'm not crazy. The bad news is...they think my band has a leak.

I went to have a fill today, which I desperately needed, because I'm hungry a LOT, and I could eat a cow (or bowls of icing...you know...whatever...) and she's asking me if I ever have reflux (no) and if I ever have trouble swallowing (no) and if I've ever had anything come up (no), and she's seeming doubtful, since I have 7.6 cc's in there. So she says she's going to be a little more aggressive with my fill (which means 1 whole cc, rather than .1 of one), and then she sticks me and withdraws all the fluid. And I can see her brow furrowing. So I ask what's wrong. And she's not really answering me...and then she says "well it's strange...you're supposed to have 7.6 cc's in here...and I'm only barely getting 5." So I ask her what that means, and she says that I might have a slow leak. What that means is, they might have to replace my port. Which means surgery. Which I am SO not thrilled about.

I'm glad that I'm not crazy. I knew I was struggling, and I knew I was hungry, but I was honestly worried I'd stretched my pouch or something. Nope. I've been wide open since I'm guessing about January. Because I came out of surgery with 5 cc's in there. I mean come ON! Right now I'm a little ticked off...like how much time have I wasted? But what can you do, right? My next fill is scheduled for August 16th, so I'll know more then...

And that's my story...

Get Out Of My Head, Doritos Marketing Team!!

First off: do I live in Canada? Isn't it supposed to be cold here? Igloos and hockey and such? Well not this summer! Sweet jeebus I am sweating my ASS off up here! This week especially is ridiculous! Yesterday I walked (I know...I'm just as shocked as you are) with the kids to the nearby splash pad, and by the time we got there (like a 10 minute walk), I was sweating so much, the kids could have stood under ME! Now, there's a lot to be said about dehydration when it comes to the scale. This morning, when I got on the scale, it told me I had lost 11lbs!!! For a second I thought I was Grace. But then I realized that my battery is dying and I've actually only lost 1lb...but still. One pound since Sunday...dehydrated or not, I'll take it!

I'm finding this challenge very motivating. I mean, not motivating enough to drag my butt to the actual gym (it's HOT out there!) but yesterday, at the grocery store, Doritos, my favourite savoury snack item ever invented, were on sale (SALE!!)...and while I did stand at the rack for several dreamy minutes picturing all the things I'd do to those Doritos once I got them in my chubby little fists...I did NOT buy any. It was almost a superhuman effort to walk away from the rack, but I did it. AND THEN...those fuckers must have known I was coming because there were 2(!!) racks of Doritos up by the checkout! It's like they knew my willpower would only take me so far, and by the time I got to the checkout, I'd be lamenting my decision, but would be too lazy to go all the way back to get a bag (or 4), so here you go, fatty! Damn you, brilliant marketing teams!!

BUT! I did NOT buy any!!! That's right! Wooooo!

Gilly - 1, Superstore - 0

Interesting Week

Want to know something weird? I think there might actually be something to this tracking calories thing! Crazy! Because even though I didn't do perfectly with my no-wine-on-the-weekdays thing (only slipped on one day though!), and even though I ate my weight in stuffed mushrooms at a BBQ on Friday night, I managed to lose 3.1 lbs this week! I attibute some of that to the magical de-puffifying water, some of it to Dance Dance Revolution, and quite a lot of it to Jillian Michaels (that bitch!). I imagine if I hadn't had wine, I probably could have gone another pound. Wine, why must you be so delicious and make me feel so happy and problem-free?

My question to the masses is this: when you're actually "dieting", do you give yourself one cheat day per week?

Stuff That's Going On

Well...I'm working on the challenge. There are, I think, 33 of us. Not too shabby! I don't know how the rest of you have been doing this week, but I started logging food again. I haven't done that since the beginning. You know? When I was, apparently, dropping weight like it was hot and then moaning that the scale didn't seem to be moving no matter what I did? What an idiot I was! And http://www.livestrong.com/ tells me that to lose 2lbs a week, I need just over 1100 calories per day. It's SO easy to get to 1100 calories! I mean seriously? I can bite, lick and taste my way there without ever sitting down to eat a meal! Kind of freaked me out. And don't even get me started on wine!

In reality, I haven't lost much since Chicago. Less than 20lbs since then. I know I'm not alone in that. My real wake up call lately though, has been that people have stopped telling me how much smaller I look. For a while there, even though I wasn't really losing, I guess my body was still changing, or people weren't used to me at this size, so they were still mentioning it. Now...not so much. And I'm an attention whore! (shocking, I know!) I miss it! So that's a motivation for me.

The other motivation is the idea of having a tummy tuck. Lately, I think about it a lot. When I was fatter, I wasn't ashamed of how I looked naked. I've always liked myself...but lately...naked? Not so much. And I know that 80% of that is my stomach. It's a weird feeling to be self conscious about my naked body. Not that I'm looking forward to having or recovering from surgery. But I wonder what it would be like to have a flat(ish) stomach. I can't even imagine it. It's a nice dream though...