I Want To Be Zen

Can someone teach me how to be zen? Do I have to capitalize that? Zen? Well howeveryouspellit...I need to be more it.

I suppose I could do yoga. I remember taking yoga in University (for credit, no less! It's not just sitting around in a bunch of poses, I can tell you - although that's what I hoped it would be when I signed up for it thinking it would be a bird course...) and learning about breathing and meditation, and that is some good shit right there...but who has the time (or the alone time, right other moms?)  I joined a gym, and I'm gonna go there as soon as my weekend from hell at work is over, I swear...but I'm not sure I want to do group yoga.  Or yoga at all.

"Drink wine!" you say! And I do!  But as part of my new health initiative, I've banned weekday wine! And honestly? I miss it. I didn't think I would, but, for instance, when I was out shopping yesterday and I saw the wide array of wine glasses, my first reaction was "yum, wine!!" and then I got all sad thinking about how I wouldn't get to have wine until the weekend, except not this weekend because I'm working and the ban is in place during working weekends.  Um...yikes.

Vacation!!  Except no...the last 6 years have pretty much been a vacation...and I just got back from Chicago...and also I'm broke (which banning the weekday wine should help fix, kinda...)

So...I bought a pair of boxing gloves. Yep.  I'm gonna go pound the shit outta...some shit.  Oh...and they have pink on them.

That's my story.

The Truth Is:

I've been eating like crap for the past few days. Wanna know what I've noticed?  I also FEEL like crap.  What a freakin' co-incidence!

Why don't I REMEMBER this? Why is it the second I see a Pringles container, the hard-earned knowledge that eating good food makes me feel good completely falls out of my brain?  Why is it not until I've eaten the whole can of Pringles and I'm feeling gross and horrible, and the next morning when I wake up all puffy and gross from all the salt that I remember again?

November 1st, I'm starting a weight loss challenge at work AND my fitness club membership starts. I'm sick of sitting on the fence. I'm sick of this plateau.

Damn you, Pringles! (That's right...I blame the Pringles. I know I know...shhhh)

Last night, I was in a play...

...the play is called "White Rabbit, Red Rabbit"; the play is written by Nassim Soleimanpour. It was the most amazing experience, and I am so honoured to have been chosen to act it!

Too bad I can't tell you about it.

I solemnly swore at the beginning of the performance, just before the producer of the show handed me the script for this play that I knew nothing about and had never seen before, that I wouldn't tell what it's about.  But I can tell you this:

If it comes to your city, DO NOT MISS IT!!!

You can search it on the interwebs...but you won't find much.  Something I found, just to give you a little hint of what it is (although it's so SO much more!!) is this:

Imagine being 29 and unable to leave your country. Iranian Nassim Soleimanpour dissects the experience of a whole generation in a wild, utterly original play. He turns his isolation to his advantage with a play that requires no director, no set, and a different actor for each performance. Volcano Theatre co-produced the world premiere of White Rabbit, Red Rabbit in 2011, shown simultaneously at SummerWorks and Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It is now playing around the world.

I want you guys to find it in your cities. And I want you to experience it. Please say you will!

You're welcome!

I'm So Full Of Crap...

...and Coffee Crisp...and Aero bars...and Kit Kat...and some awesome, orgasmic, chocolate covered, caramel filled cookies that were at my mum's house...and crusty bread with cheese...and a Starbucks pike place roast with lots of REAL cream in it.  What the hell, man!? And I can't even blame hormones, because I just finished...you know.  And I'm not particularly stressed.  I guess I'm just a fat girl. Which sucks.

Finally...FILL!!

Ok...now I'm serious! I got my fill at long last. Just .1 of a cc, but I am confident this is going to fix me right up. With BOOBs motivation, friend motivation, and challenge motivation, I am going to crack this plateau wide open!!! My goal this week is to eat slowly. 20 chews per bite, complete with counting (silently inside my head so people don't think I'm crazy(er)) Onward and downward, my loves!

So this week. . .

...I started getting excited about BOOBs. Maybe it's because deadlines are getting closer. Maybe it's because Jenny did a post (with pics!!!!) on the BOOBs blog (which I'd link you to but I'm on an iPad, and I'm too lazy to figure out how to do it). So my excitement brought a thought to my head, and that thought was: "oh crap, BOOBs is getting close...I need to start really working at losing"... Which seems to have made my body go into fat-girl-imminent-starvation mode, and basically I've been eating like someone's gonna take it away from me. I had to reschedule my fill, which could be part of it, but I'm going to say its a small part. Why do we sabotage ourselves? Arg! So I'm joining the BOOBs challenge, fill is scheduled, and today I bought a WagJag thingie for some green coffee bean supplements that Dr Oz has sworn to me will change my life and the fat will literally drop off me. Uh huh. We shall see...

Living In Fear

Since I've started this journey, I've learned a lot from all of you. And one of the main things I've learned is that I never want to be too tight! I've been really conservative with fills, and I have to be absolutely SURE I need one before I make an appointment...and then once I do, I obsess about it and worry that this one will make me too tight (even though my clinic is awesome and they totally listen to what you tell them and give teeny fills). Right now, I know I need one. I'm taking my one cup of food to work, and because I now have set eating times, I know for certain that I'm not getting anywhere near 4 hours before I'm hungry. Sometimes I'm as little as 2.5 hours before my tummy is growling. Also, I never get stuck, or even uncomfortable...so I'm pretty sure I'm safe from the dreaded 'too-tights'. And still...I worry. Tomorrow I'm doing some cooking ahead, so I'm good for the week. Lots of organic protein and veggies (I'm growing kale in my garden and it's ready!! Kale salad for me this week!) My fill is set for Tuesday, and it's going to set me up. I want to be down 20 lbs for the weddings I have in October. That's my plan! Wish me luck!

Oh Right! I Have A Blog!

I'm at work! That's a weird thing to type. I remember years ago, slow weekends, before I knew blogging was even a thing, where I'd write things down longhand (and then tear them up later), and I always started like that: I'm at work.

What's new? Well...the work thing, although I'm nearly a month into it already. I truly have to say that I'm loving it. My colleagues are really great, the dynamic seems to be fantastic, and I honestly look forward to going to work. I've been bringing my own food every day...no fast food runs...even when one of the FDAs (funeral director's assistants) asks me what I want and he'll go get it, I'm saying NO!  So with all my awesome choices (chicken tortilla soup sans cheese or tortillas, spinach salads, chicken breasts with salsa,all one cup servings), and the physicality of my job, and the fact that when I'm home, I have so much less time to sit around, you'd think the weight would be falling off me, right?

Wrong.

It's times like this that frustrate me. I'm doing everything right (ok, I could be drinking less wine, but I've totally upped my intake of water and green tea, so that balances it out, right??) and the scale doesn't move.  Bright side: the scale isn't moving UP. But if I'm doing this much awesome just to maintain? Ugh...that sucks.

I need to add some exercise to this mix. But when? Between kid activities, and my own activities, and work...when do I have time to throw weights and cardio into the mix?  But it's on my mind. A lot!

What do you other working moms do??

My First Day

Did you ever start a job and feel totally overwhelmed at the end of your first day? Totally, right? Like every person ever, right? Today was my first day back in funeral service after SIX years of being just a mum (well...like 2 years of being just a mum...4 years of being just a couch potato. Thank you band!). And yep...I feel overwhelmed! BUT...I also feel like I'm going to love it there. The atmosphere is very warm, and very easy going, and although right now I feel like I'm just in the way, in a few days, I know...I'm going to own it. Everyone was very welcoming, and I think I probably made the right decision in taking this job. Time will tell. I feel like once I learn the computer stuff, it's all really just me sitting down with a family, having a relationship with them, and helping them the best I can. That stuff I can totally do. Best part? At the end of the day, I don't feel physically exhausted. I know I can do the physical stuff. I know I can lift and carry and stand and run if I need to! And THAT is a great feeling! Today was a good day.

My Own Crazy Has Been BROUGHT!!

Hey look!  I'm out of stuff to talk about, and Drazil has saved the day with BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer five little questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and enjoy!!

1. What religion were you raised as a child, if any, and are you still a member of that faith today? Why or why not?

I wasn't raised with any religion, and I'm totally good with that. I try not to talk religion, because I have a tendency to offend people of faith. I'm a woman of science. I believe in dinosaurs and evolution and that we're alone here and nothing comes after, and I'm ok with that.  I try to live my life treating others as I'd like to be treated, realizing that I share this planet with others and acting accordingly, and trying not to say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.  Notice I said "try". Doesn't always work out, but my intentions are good (also...you'd be amazed what I'm willing to say to someone's face...)

2. Do you have an all time favorite candy or do you change favorites often?

My love affair with Twix chocolate bars has gone on since childhood, but if I'm faced with a Twix and a Skor bar, it's no contest. I eat both. However, if we're talking actual CANDY candy, then it's Swedish Berries hands down (please tell me you Americans know what those are! If you don't, I know what I'm bringing to BOOBs!)
3. Are you a green thumb? Do you landscape your yard or plant any flowers or a garden? Do you pay someone to do it for you? Do you not plant a single thing?

My family is full of gifted and talented gardeners, full of knowledge of technical plant names, but I'm sad to say that the green thumb missed me by a mile. It breaks my poor mother's heart every single year. I DO plant flowers in containers, although I dread doing it, and I put if off, and usually several of the pots die of thirst by about halfway through the summer.  If I believed in hell (see above) I'd say that one of the reasons I'm going there is because of the many atrocities I've perpetrated upon defenseless plants.

This year I do have a small veggie garden, and an herb garden. Go figure...stuff you can eat.  Shocking.

4. Let’s just say you were a tattoo junkie and you were planning your next tat and it had to be words only. What words would you choose? A quote? Phrase? One word? Would you do it in English or a different language?

One of the first things I'm doing with my new salary is start a tattoo fund.  I want a Gothic fence around my left upper arm from elbow to shoulder. I also want the words "and now...let the wild rumpus start!" (from Where The Wild Things Are - my favourite childhood storybook - it's my life philosophy!) tattooed somewhere on me, although I haven't decided placement of that one yet.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.

This is my last week as a SAHM. Part of me is really excited! Part of me is terrified.  Part of me is proud that I got the job even though I haven't worked in 6 years. But mostly, I'm delighted that I'm the person I am now, who has the physical stamina and ability to work in a very physically demanding job. Thank you, Lap Band!!!!

Can I Do A WTF Sunday??

Seriously...WTF?  As I may have mentioned, I've been in a play for the past 3 weeks.  And during that time (and for much of the time while I was rehearsing), my eating hasn't been the best.  Lots of time spent in pubs, drinking draft and eating pub food. Lots of going out for dinner, too. I feel fat.  I feel like I've gained weight. In fact, my mother (thanks mum!) told me I look like I've gained weight.  So today I got on the scale, because I wanted to see the damage. I needed to know what I'm dealing with here.  What did I see? New low!  WTF????

So, this effects me in the following ways: it pisses me off, because when I'm so super good, and tracking, and making good choices, it's SO hard to lose these days...and when everything in the world says I should be 10lbs up, I'm not. The fat girl in me is all delighted, and wants to go out for Dim Sum.  The reasonable person in me is telling me to thank my lucky stars, buy a lottery ticket, and not be an idiot.  Because here's the deal:

On Wednesday, I accepted a full time job at a local funeral home (for those of you who don't know, I'm a funeral director). I'm super excited about going back to work for a bunch of reasons: first of all, this place is, I've been informed, on a health kick! One of the other directors is a girl I worked with years ago, and the first thing she said when she saw me was "oh my god, you've lost a LOT of weight!", and then she proceeded to tell me about their health initiative. No junk food in the building! Also, this is a job with a corporation, which means a deal on a health club membership! Another plus is that the funeral home sits on a cemetery, so if it's slow, I can sneak out for a walk! And most of all, I'm not at home, where I can wander through the kitchen 40 times a day and toss a cracker in my mouth!

The thing though, that's going to keep me most honest is my funeral suit. I went and got fitted for my suit on Friday. In the past, I've always had to have them custom made. This time, not!  Off the rack!  And the jacket, blouse and vest were in a 17/18!! Them's regular sizes, people! And I gotta say, they JUST fit.  I mean 5 extra pounds and I'm screwed.  So I HAVE to be good!  I HAVE to start losing again. I think with the mixture of the health initiative, the physicality of the job, and the fact that I won't have the time for mindless eating, it'll be good. I'm excited!  And I'm starting a tummy tuck fund!

WTF Wednesday? Why the f--- not??

Wanna know what the suckiest thing on the planet is? Ok well maybe it's not the suckiest...but it's way up there in Sucktown! It's when you're at Marshalls, and you're in the plus sizes, and you're sifting through all the 1x's and XLs, and everything is tent-ish and godawful...and then you flip to the next thing and it's SOOO cute, and you're like "finally! The perfect thing!!" and then you look and notice that someone shoved a size 4 into the fat rack. WTF, right?????

That said, I did buy a few cute things. I'm already shopping in preparation for Chicago, if you can believe it! I bought a dress in a size 16 (that I'm not even sure if I love, but it was a size 16 so I just had to!) and a couple of tops. I hope that I have not ballooned by September and can show y'all my cute stuff. Not that I'm planning on ballooning...but I've had a couple of rough, Hoover-like days, so I was feeling a little down. Hopefully, fitting into the size 16 was skinny-ass affirming enough to let me break the cycle.

Aaannnnddd...last thing...in case you missed it, the review is in for my show; here's the link, if you are so inclined: http://www.theifp.ca/whats-on/review-glts-looking-is-a-fun-play/

It's Opening Night!

My play opens tonight! I'm kind of freaking out. Dress rehearsal went ok...except having people actually laugh at stuff made me completely forget every word I've ever learned in the English language ever.

I need all the help I can get, ladies and germs...wish me to break things!

Riddle me this...

Can someone please tell me why I don't love exercise the way I love, say, Doritos or Pad Thai? Or really awesome, crusty bread with yummy, melty French cheese? Or red wine?? Ok...I'll stop now, but just so you know, I could literally go on for paragraphs (oh!! Hot wings...can't leave out hot wings!)

I know I feel great after exercising. I know it's good for me! I know it will make me stronger and increase my endurance for the fun stuff...if you know what I'm sayin' and I think that you do *wink*. There have even been times in my life where I've actually been...dare I say it...addicted to exercise! (gasp!!) So why is THAT addiction so easy to overcome?? Huh? I mean seriously...if reality TV ever needs the Dr. Drew of how to overcome your addiction to exercise, I'm so their girl! I will cure EVERYBODY! There will be tears, and relaxation, and naps, and couching, internet surfing and catching up on every TV show anybody ever said something positive about EVER! I could be the Jillian Michaels of teaching everybody to be a lazy butthole, making people cry and throw up delicious snacks to make room for more delicious snacks. I would be super famous!

Stupid, effed up Universe.

Sweating My Ass Off In March???

And not in the 'I'm working out so hard!' kinda way? What the hell is it with this heat...HEAT in MARCH??? And I live in Canada! Land of the igloo, etc. I know that come Wednesday, I'm going to be turning on the AC. In March. In CANADA. What?? Does this make anyone else feel like maybe the Mayans were right? Yikes!

Right now, I'm making a big pot of chicken tortilla soup in my slow cooker (which would have been nicer if the weather was actually March-like! Sheesh!). It seems to be my current pull-my-fat-ass-out-of-the-junk-food-tornado food. I can portion it out and eat it all week long. Sans tortillas, because those, although knee-bucklingly delicious, add like 200 calories to an otherwise healthy food (not to mention sodium!), and really...I don't need them. I do, however, top it with Monterey jack cheese - which is something fairly new up here - and hello! Melty, stretchy HEAVEN!! Why have you people been keeping it secret? Trying to keep it all for yourselves? Ah, who could blame you? That shit is crazy good!

Updating my life...well...I wrote about New York City...which was grand. I can't wait to go back, and when I win the lottery, I'm getting an adorable place in Greenwich Village, and spend endless days wandering the city and hanging in Manhattan, cursing the tourists. It's gonna be sweet!

Other than that, I'm pretty wrapped up in rehearsals for my play. It's really coming together, and I think it's going to be great! My worries about making out with a strange boy on stage were for nothing...he's awesome, and although I'm still a giggling idiot when I have to do it in front of everyone, it's all coming together! I'm so so glad that I got back into theatre! I had no idea how much I'd missed it! I'm very grateful that I got it back!

Hey! Here's an idea! I think everybody should post their go-to 'getting back on the wagon' food! When you know you've been being bad, what is your food that you make to get you back into healthy eating? I wanna know!! Comment, or, even better, blog about it!

Sofie's Choice

Today I went to meet Sofie! She's newly banded, and she took me out for lunch at the lovliest little cafe in the town where she lives (and did NOT get stuck! Yay Sofie!) Totally worth the drive! We talked non-stop over lunch, and then she took me on a tour of where she works...and THEN we looked at each other's tummies and she felt my port in the middle of Main Street. How's THAT for a Hallmark moment? It would have been truly beautiful...if she hadn't gone "ew!" and made a face. Seriously though, it was so nice to meet her in person after talking to her on the phone so many times (oooh! And she brought me flowers!!) I love a little pre-BOOBs excitement, because she IS going to BOOBs 3.0, and you are going to adore her!

Oooh...and also...I wore SHORTS (well...skort, but still...) and SANDALS! Yes that's right...feet unsheathed in MARCH! Dear Global Warming: you terrify me. However, my Fred Flintstone feet...they terrify us all!

NYC Makes Me Miss Kristin and Joey!

I've been having such a blast in NYC the past couple of days! I got a tour of 30 Rock from hubs' cousin who works for MSNBC, and met Alex Wagner, saw Martin Bashir and Cee Lo Green...took secret pictures of the SNL studio even though I wasn't allowed, went up the Empire State Building (which my 5 year old has been calling the Vampire State building...which frankly, I prefer) and today...(deep breath!) went to Central Park to see Strawberry Fields and to see the Dakota. Honestly, such a moving place to see for me (huge Beatles fan, huge Lennon fan, although George is my favourite). This afternoon we're off to Greenwich Village to meet hubs' aunt who is rather a famous literary agent, and see her office, and then to her place for dinner! Phew! There's more, but really, haven't you heard enough?

All this has been awesome, but it makes me miss Kristin and Joey, who I was here with at almost exactly this time last year! It's made me realize how incredible it is to be shown around the city by people who KNOW where they're going and who know cool places to see. I guess you never forget your first, right?

And...off I go to have more fun!

I Don't Ever Want To Hit Goal

I just decided this. Just now. I think I'm going to set my goal lower. All this time it's been 170. And trust me...I'm nowhere near there! But...I think I'm going to set it lower. Because I can't ever stop fighting. I'm actually not sure I ever want to even hit 'onederland'. Because if I do, that will feel too much like a super-victory. And if I feel victorious...I might stop fighting. And tonight I realized...I never want to stop fighting this fight. I've fought it my whole life...and I LIKE being a fat chick. I just didn't like being as fat a fat chick as I got to be.

I want to be a chubby chick.

I want to feel good, and be healthy, and I don't want to stop fighting. Not ever.

NOT EVER!!!

I Hardly Ever Ask You Guys To Do Anything For Me

Today, that changes! Be loves and run over to http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-Funny-Moms-2012#_ and vote for my lovely friend Kyla's funny mommy blog (especially if you read it, which you totally should because it's awesome!)

Thank you loveys! Enjoy the positive Karma!

My Secret FromThe Petticoat

I just heard from my Sofie! She's out of surgery...all is well...she's a bit dizzy but she's officially a banded sister! If you don't follow her, I suggest you check her blog out to see her awesome before picture!

Congratulations, Sofie!

BYOC on a Sunday

I can do that, right? I'm putting off doing housework...

1. Since I talked about psychics this week - I'm curious....if you could see one for free and you could only ask one question - what would it be?

Honestly? I don't know. I've never been to a psychic, but I imagine that I'd like to play with her/his head a little bit and see how wrong they could be about stuff.

2. What's your favorite ice cream flavor and topping?

I'm not a huge ice cream person, but when I do go for it, I'm a Baskin & Robbins Peanut Butter and Chocolate gal. Or if I'm buying it, I like Haagen Daas (did I spell that right?) Dulce De Leche. It's soooo creamy. Topping? Hmmm...maybe a hot moist brownie?

3. What's your preferred method of working out? DVDs, an external gym, gym inside your home, classes?

I totally prefer the gym, even though I feel intimidated in gyms. I love classes! Even though I step all over myself through Zumba, and I'm terrified that I'm gonna kill someone with a weight during Body Pump, I like the fact that I'm there for the duration, sweating it out with a bunch of other people. At the moment, since I'm broke, it's just me and Jillian Michaels, shredding every morning.

4. If you work outside the home or if you ever did or will in the future - do you think it's better/easier to work with men or woman? Who do you work mostly with now?

I work better with men. I can flirt with men more effectively, thereby getting my way more often. Thank you, boobies.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

This week was fun...I got my nose pierced! I've wanted to do it for years, and never could when I was working because they kinda frown on face jewelery when you're an undertaker. So I FINALLY did it, and I insanely LOVE it! Other than that, I'm still logging my food intake...I got a fill on Monday, and I don't really notice a huge difference, so this week will be about portions and making good choices and not drinking my calories.

Two NSVs In One Night!

Last night I went to a girlfriend's 40th birthday party. It was a blast...lots of friends there, people who haven't seen me in a while who were all "omg you look amazing!" which is always nice. There was a huge potluck buffet, and (this is NSV #1) I didn't touch one bite! Know why? (here comes NSV #2!) Because I was too busy dancing! I danced all night! I don't think I sat for 5 minutes the whole night! I just danced and danced! OH! Maybe there's another NSV here too! I saw the pictures posted on FB, and although I don't love all of them (who ever does, right?), there's not one where I looked at my body...at my SIZE...and felt bad! All of them, even where I was dancing or obviously talking animatedly, I thought I looked fairly normal sized! In JEANS, no less! Do I have a muffin top? Absolutely! Do I care? Not really! Wooo!

All in all, a good night!

I Accept Your Mission, Linda!

My lovely kitten Linda has offered up a challenge, and since I love myself excessively, I have chosen to accept and whittle my list of things I love about myself down to just 5. I suggest you do the same! It's fun!

1. I love how social I am! Flirting is the thing I might be best at in the whole world! I love it so much I wish I could eat it (ha! That sounds kinda dirty!)

2. I love my sense of humour! (it would have been cool to write something hilarious here, but I couldn't think of anything...so here...let me wink at you and have I told you today how sexy you are? ;)

3. I love how I parent! My kids are polite, fun, funny, you can say anything to them, and they are well behaved. I'm super proud of the men they're turning out to be, and I take full credit (small props to the baby daddy, but mostly ima take the credit).

4. I love my massive Messiah complex! I think that so much of the world needs saving, and if I can be the one who helps someone out, I frickin live for that shiz. Seriously!

5. I want to say I love my eyes, but in the end, I've gotta go with boobs. My cleavage should win awards! I want to motorboat my OWN self! Yeah baby!

Ok...now YOU go! I triple dog dare ya!

A Quick Thought About "Restriction"

I am well trained by my clinic. We don't use the word "restriction". If you say that word, you get a lecture on how you shouldn't feel restriction...how if the band is working as it's designed to work, you almost shouldn't know it's there, except that your hunger is controlled. And you know what? For the most part, I 100% agree with them, and here's why:

For the past I don't know how many months, I've thought my band was working fine. I wasn't hungry most of the time, and that's what it's supposed to be like, right? Not that I was measuring my one cup portions. Not that I was keeping track. I was just wandering into the kitchen and taking a bite of this and a bite of that, and finishing the little bit left on my kid's plates...and thinking "what am I doing wrong? Why am I not losing weight?" It's hard to be hungry when you're grazing all day long, right?

So...I started measuring and tracking (aka: following the stupid RULES). And guess what? I'm hungry. Not all the time...but more than every 4 hours. And so I've scheduled a fill, but I'm kicking myself, because if I'd been paying attention and doing what I was supposed to be doing, I could have been losing this whole time, instead of being basically plateauing for a year (although I can hardly call it a plateau, since I was clearly fucking it all up, and I guess I should thank my lucky stars that the plateau wasn't a gain!)

Anyway. THAT'S the revelation I had today. Oh, and by the way? I am kicking ass at weight loss in a way that I haven't since the early days of my band. I'm an idiot, but I'm finally getting it again. This IS going to happen...oh yeah it is.

(PS: my mother told me that she had to look twice at me in the drugstore the other day, because she wasn't sure it was me because my ass was so small. That's kind of huge. Not my ass. The compliment. You get it...)

(PPS: tonight I start rehearsals on my new play ["Looking" by Norm Foster]! It's hilarious, and I have to be on stage in workout clothes AND I have to make out with a dude whilst ripping our clothes off. So yeah...fear is motivating. Wish me leg breaking!)

Further On The Kale Odyssey

Thanks to those of you who gave me some kale input! I am obsessed! I can think of little else! And to that end, I went out today to replenish my kale supplies...and made THIS for dinner (for myself...the rest of the mob got pancakes):

THIS is what happens when you spread it out on a baking sheet, and shpritz it with olive oil (as suggested to me by Erin...thank you Erin!) and cook it with a 2 oz piece of salmon. Crispy and melt in your mouth and, again, LIFE ALTERINGLY delicious! The salmon also didn't suck, but obviously, kale is the star of the show.

Obsessing about kale is so much better than obsessing about Oreos!

Sweet Baby Kale!

I was sitting down to write this...and before I did, I popped over to Read's blog and read pretty much exactly what I was gonna write, with a few small differences...so here is my version:

Yesterday I popped into Whole Foods to see if I could find the ever elusive can of fire roasted tomatoes with which to make Linda's amazing tortilla soup (I made it with regular canned tomatoes, and it was yummy, but I'm betting Glen Muir and Ro*Tel could kick it up several notches). I didn't find the tomatoes (bloody Canada...pfft) but I DID find fresh kale. I've never actually eaten kale...although I'm aware that it's like the SUPEREST of superfoods...so I bought some. I sauteed it with some chopped garlic in olive oil...simple as that...and IT WAS LIFE ALTERING!!!! It was the most delicious veggie EVER!! And I also notice you can deep fry it and it comes out like chips! Unreal! Ok...basically I just told you how to take a really healthy food and turn it into an unhealthy food...but come on! KALE! I highly recommend you try some!

As for booze...well...this week I did the cutting-back-on-the-wine thing. Which meant only drinking on the weekend, like normal people. And guess what? I lost weight. Even though I ate over my calories on several days, I was still down. So...what do we learn from this? Booze is bad? NEVER! You shut yo' mouth! But I did learn that it's really not that big a sacrifice to not have a glass of wine every night...and I was rewarded with downward scale movement! That's a good reward! Totally worth it!

The Reason I Never Became A Teacher

I am not a patient person. *sigh*

I'm having a crap day. It didn't start out that way; it started out great! I went for a walk, it was sunny and warm-ish, and it was relaxing...but from there, it's been all downhill.

Last night, while I was out, my husband decided it would be a good idea to punish my 5 year old for having a messy room and for not practicing his piano. His punishment was losing his video game privileges, AND television privileges. Since there's a TV in the living room, which is the central location of the house, this means that I can't watch TV either. That makes hubby the number one person I'd like to kill today.

Number 2 on the list would be my 5 year old. Not because he did anything bad, or un-five-year-old-like, but because I have no patience and I am the worst mother ever. I don't know how to play the piano (I always wanted to take lessons when I was a kid and my mother never let me, which actually makes HER the worst mother ever, but I digress), but I have to help the 5 year old with his lessons. So I downloaded a fun app that would help me know what the hell I'm doing, and would also make learning FUN! Right? Nope.

Because I have no patience, I'm trying to play this game with him, watching him make the same mistakes over and over, and correcting him over and over, and counting up and down from the F line and the G line over and over and over and over...and in my head I am SCREAMING and wishing I'd never had children. I'm sure my impatience is coming through in my voice, which is probably scarring him for life, and in a few years, when he shoots up a McDonalds, the note he leaves will have some reference to how he thought he was a good person until he tried to learn musical notes with his horrifying bitch of a mother. Arg.

So now...I think I will just go cry.

BYOC - since I am feeling particularly crazy today

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for BYOC! Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!


1. Name a Valentine gift you would NOT want to receive.

I don't want to receive any Valentines gift. I wish the stupid day would go away. All it does is make people in a relationship feel pressured, and people who are on their own feel like shit. Of the .1% of people in new relationships who get boned up about this stupidity, most of them will fuck up anyway, leaving their partner feeling like 'omg he/she doesn't know me at ALL' or 'oh no...he/she HATES what I got him/her! I hate myself!!' SO not fun. Let's just all pretend that Vday is St Patrick's day. K?

2. What’s your vacation personality? Do you act/eat/talk/do things differently or completely opposite from when you are not on vacation?

I'm just drunk more, I think. Which is saying something, frankly...

3. Describe yourself in 5 POSITIVE words.

Funny

Smart

Caring

Attentive

Scrumtralescent

4. Do you have any phobias or irrational fears or dislikes?

I really, passionately dislike eggs. I want to love them, but I can't. I also have a great aversion to fingernail or toenail injuries or even stories. Oh...and there's a scene in Pet Semetery where the old dude gets his Achilles tendon cut? I can't watch it. AT ALL! *shudder*

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

I'm seriously trying to keep track of every evil bite of food that I cram into my cram hole. Seems to be working...I'm down 4 lbs since I started 2 weeks or so ago, AND I've started working out (in my way). I'm super grateful for the support of my girls...my little bloggy friends who love me even when I'm all miserable and sad and bitchy and whatever I can be. You bitches are rocks! And also? Bitches! And I loves me some bitches!

I'm Getting Botox

Yeah I am. I have these lines...11's they're called, for those 'in the know'. Which I was not, until I started looking into Botox and now I'm kinda sorta in the know, inasmuch as it pertains to me.

I've had Botox before. When I was in my early thirties and when I was making tons of money and only had one kid. And it was nearly $500 for my 11's, so that was rather sobering (I kinda got it on a whim one day when I was at this posh day spa where I was having laser hair removal done, which was a total waste of money don't even get me started) and at they end when they told me how much it actually WAS (I'd already had it done) I outwardly calmly handed her my debit card but inwardly passed out dramatically. Long story still long, I never had it again.

BUT...I freakin' LOVED it!!!! I 'From-Here-To-Eternity-smootching-on-the-beach' loved it! So yesterday a Groupon landed in my inbox for 20 units for $89. How could I pass it up? Am I made of STEEL??? I am not. I'm made of fat and wrinkles, so I took it! I will let you know how it goes!

On another note...I'm afraid I might be fighting with my BFF because of some drunken stupidity that I really don't even remember, but I'm too a'skart to ask her if we are because if she says yes we ARE fighting and she hates me now, I will be devastated. The super smart and always awesome Jenny said to message her. I'm gonna. But in case she's reading this, I want to tell her that I love her, and ask her...how many other people would have kept your borrowed copy of 'Superfudge' in practically pristine condition for 30 years and then wrap it up like an x-mas present and return it? How many? None, that's how many! So...there that is. And also I love you.

I Hate To Admit This...

...but Steph was right. Blogging DOES seem to be the key to success. Or at least some kind of writing about what you're doing and how you're feeling. Not that I didn't know this; I totally did, but somehow, my head has gotten stuck fairly far up my arse...so thanks Steph (et al), for helping me to pull it out.

Right now, on livestrong.com, my daily calorie allowance, in order to lose 2 lbs a week, is 1124. That's not a lot. And it is SUPER easy to get there. Alarmingly easy...even in banded life. But what I will say is, even though I've gone over my calories almost every day...it is extremely rare, and always alcohol related if I get over 2000 calories. Which must be why I'm not gaining. But logging my food and BEING HONEST about it is teaching me (again) where I'm going wrong.

Based on my tracking and obsessing, I'm starting to think that I might need a fill. I seem to regularly go 3 hours before I'm hungry...yet I occasionally get stuck on things. I think I'll try to keep going with what I'm doing, even though it feels a lot like work, because I really don't want to go to my clinic (where they weigh me) until I know I'm down at least a few pounds from where I was in the summer when I got my last fill. Does that seem counterproductive? Maybe...I don't know. What I do know is that I'm trying and sometimes succeeding, and that's better than the past few months, for sure!

I Know BOOBs Is Long Over, But...PICTURES!

Where I dragged everybody so I could have Fat Elvis Pie...which they had run out of :(
Pizzaria Due (in honour of Kristin!)

I miss you guys!

Stay classy, Jenny!

Cheescake Factory Vixens

Just me.

Just Carmieplops

I guess this is right when we got in? I dunno...

Ah...the re-focus...or trying, anyway

It has been pointed out to me that lack of blogging and lack of success in losing weight seem to be connected. Not that I didn't know this. But I like to ignore it. Because when I'm not losing, I like to not think of stuff. Oh sweet, sweet denial.

So here's the deal: when I started all this, I was so effing OCD about food. Not just tracking it, but thinking about it constantly, and writing about it, and terrified everybody was watching me to see if I'd fail...and when I was in that place, I lost weight. Now...I seem to maintain. I'm super tired of maintaining.

I've pledged to track every day on livestrong.com. And I've pledged to NOT crap out of tracking my food just because I know I'm going to go over my calories for the day. Because what I want to learn is where I'm habitually going wrong. I know booze is a big part of it (damn you, delicious, high calorie, high carb wine!) That, and the fact that I seem to be incapable of walking anywhere in my house without passing through the kitchen to find some morcel to toss in my face hole is also a big factor. Trying to be more aware of those things.

So. That's what I'm doing. What are YOU doing?

BYOC? Oh why not...?

Drazil’s BYOC is back after a small holiday hiatus. Yup, Bring Your Own Crazy returns!

It is 5 little questions you can answer in your own blog to give your blogging brain a break and to get to know each other better. Copy, paste and enjoy!

Let’s do a holiday/new year themed BYOC today!

1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

I LOVE resolutions! I make them like nobody's business! I don't forget them...I just feel guilty and ashamed of my weakness for not keeping them. Fun, huh? I obviously continue to make the same one: eat healthier, lose weight, blah blah. It's the same this year. I've been looking around online, trying to decide which naturopathic thing I'm going to follow this year. There are a couple of books I've looked into: The Dukan Diet, and the 4 Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide To Rapid Weight Loss, Incredible Sex and Becoming Superhuman. Obviously the second option seems a little more appealing. If anyone has read or followed either, I would LOVE some input, because obviously, I can only commit to one (for a week or so before abandoning it because someone suggested we go to a Chinese buffet...)

Other than that, I just want to eat more whole foods - planning on accomplishing this by following recipes from http://www.101cookbooks.com/ If you've never looked at this blog, do! Everything I've ever made from it has been wonderful and healthy and soul restoring.

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

Yes. One. It's still up but the ornaments are off. That's something, right?

3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

None. Thank gods! I had xmas dinner at my house for my family and a few friends...I think there were 13 of us. I brined the turkey and it was TRANSCENDENT!!! Just sayin'...

4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Winning the lottery. Duh.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

While I haven't blogged in something like forever, I still read. I've especially liked looking at how you people are re-focusing, and not giving up, and always always always fighting the good fight.