I Feel Like I've Come Full Circle

Today, one year ago, I started my liquid diet. I remember sitting exactly here, at the beginning of my journey, not knowing what the new year would hold. And now I know! It was the first year that I've EVER kept my New Year's Resolution! EVER!!! So any of you that are just starting out, or are going through liquid diet hell, it'll be over soon, even though it will feel like forever, and it will be good.

By the way...where did this year go? Huh?? Frankly, I blame the BOOBs, because when you have something so big that you're focusing on and looking forward to, I think it makes the year go by faster (I originally typed "fater" there...typo, or Freudian Slip? You be the judge....no wait...don't judge me...I hate that...)

I don't know why, but for some reason, knowing that my one year "band"iversary (I hate that term...I don't know why, but I do. Too cutesy, maybe?) is almost here feels like an ending to me. Did it to anyone else? I have kind of a "what now???" feeling about it. I mean, obviously I still have miles (and miles and miles) to go, but it's making me feel a little lost. I guess that's coming at a good time, since everybody tends to re-focus at the New Year...but still. Not sure what's going on with me mentally there but I suppose I'll have to figure it out. Any thoughts and suggestions are welcome.

One. More. Sleep!

Know how I know? Because my children are VIBRATING, they are so excited. I had to ban jumping. Now, I don't know about the rest of you with kids, but for me, the weeks before Christmas are pretty sweet; I really don't know of anything else that has the raw disciplinary power of the "phone call to Santa Claus". I have him on speed dial on my home AND cell phones. The very suggestion that I might call has the power to turn naughty little boys into angelic little boys in the blink of an eye! And sadly, there are less than 24 hours of that power left. This time tomorrow, I know I'll be jonesing for it pretty bad. Thank god there'll be wine.

I'm noticing that a lot of you are weighing yourself and junk this week. Good for you guys! However, I cannot include myself in your ranks. My scale is currently under a stack of clothes. This morning, I thought about moving them, but then I figured...why do I want to do that? If there's a gain, then I'm just going to feel sad and guilty and let it ruin my day at Christmastime. If there's not, then I'll take that as my xmas gift from Karma, and I might be less careful. Either way, it's just not happening.

I can't help looking back at this time last year. Dec 22 was the day I was supposed to start my liquid diet, but I got special permission to wait until Dec 26. I was so focused on my upcoming surgery, I barely remember last xmas. I vaguely remember being pissed off when I was too stuffed to eat one more bite on xmas eve. I believe there was some baked brie left, and I was very disappointed that I couldn't cram it in. That's so not who I am anymore. It's weird. I'm re-trained. A year later, and while I still LOVE crap food, I don't feel like I've GOTTA have ALL of it. Best Christmas present ever, no?

Anyway, I want to say Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it...Merry Xmas to those of you who, like myself, tend to worship more at the altar of Santa Claus than the other dude...basically I guess, Happy Chrismukkah! Now go...live your lives! And have lots of joy and merriment...and wine!

Granny Panties!

Wanna see something fun? Look! It's before and now panties! NOT as modelled by me. You're welcome!

Did You Know. . .

...that I've been blogging for almost a year? Time, quit flying! There will be a commemmorate-y kind of a blog or vlog or something on "the day"...but for now, it's just my life.

Today I went to my smallest son's classroom to help with the xmas craft. It was pretty cute, getting to watch him in action. He's a badass. As you may be aware, being surrounded by other people's children is not what I consider a high point. However, I managed to make it through an entire xmas craft (salt dough ornaments, no less!) without killing or even injuring any small people! I consider it a victory.

Also a victory? Plopping my still-ample-yet-ever-so-much-smaller ass into the teeny tiny little kindergarten chairs with reckless abandon.

Also...I'm in love with leggings. Please, legging fad...hang around a while! And then morph into an overalls fad. Thanks! That is all.

For The People Who HATE "Christmas Shoes"!!!

Funniest thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're welcome!!

Funnily Enough . . .

...I didn't even end up wearing the Old Navy dress to the show. Which was AMAZING, by the way. I actually ended up wearing a dress that I inherited from the fabulous Joey. It was too long, but it made my boobs look fab, so really, what choice did I have?

NSV was that I stood...and danced...in heels...the whole night! YEAH I did!

Also...totally got picked up by a 29 year old boy. A hot one! While my husband stood right next to me! Look up in the sky...see that giant blob blocking out the sun? Yeah...it's my ego. Look out or you'll get some on ya.

That was a good, good night

The Old Navy Story

Tonight the hubs and I are going downtown to see a band called Lowest of the Low (they're Canadian and they are awesome - moderately popular here with the alternative set in the 90's). And fearing going downtown looking like a frumpy mum, I decided to go look for something cool to wear with leggings, since that's what the cool girls are wearing these days. I'm wandering through Old Navy when I see EXACTLY what I'm looking for! This grey knit dress...totally me...adorable. I take it into the fitting room with a bunch of other stuff so that Karma doesn't know how much I want it to look adorable. And I try it on, and it's cute and it fits and my 10 year old gives it the thumbs up...so the decision is made. I'm buying it!

Take it home...try it on for the hubs...he likes it! Yay! The world is a happy place! I should buy a lottery ticket!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the tag: Old Navy Maternity.

Ouch.

I don't care. I'm keeping it!

So...I may have built that up too much, but I thought it was pretty funny. :P

It's Time For Another "This Time Last Year"...

At this time last year, I made the decision to have the Lap Band surgery - maybe you've heard of it? It was last November that I had my consultation with Dr. Mumford (and thought he was dreamy), and he said to me "let me change your life". Which I'm sure is his catch selling phrase...but man...it's a GOOD one! Still gives me goosebumps! This time last year, I felt like I had run out of options; this surgery, or go on as I was, which I realized then but realize SO neon brilliantly now (with sparkles...that glow in the dark), was NO kind of life.

I remember going to my family doctor. Let's call him Dr. Quack. I remember sitting in his office one day, humbled because I felt so ashamed of my fat self, and asking him to help me. It was SO hard for me to say those words. But I said them, because I felt like I was dying. And the only hurried suggestion was that I go and see a Dr. Poon (seriously...I wish I'd made that up, but that's his real name) to go be put on his "metabolic diet". Which is like Dr. Bernstein (low/no carb, about 900 cals of protein a day), and which I knew that I would kick ass at...for a while...until I didn't anymore, at which point I would proceed to gain ALL the weight back, plus 20-50lbs or so. I said thanks but no thanks. And I felt paralyzed.

I couldn't be more thankful for my friend...let's call her Tammy (names, of course, have been changed to protect the fabulous). I've never met her in person. I "met" her years ago on a Weight Watchers board (thank you, interwebs!), and we've been friends since. She told me she'd had this surgery...and for me, somehow, that made it something that normal people do. If not for her, and her sharing her positive experience, I don't know where I'd be right now. However...here is where I am. And it's SO good where I am!

I can't believe all this started a year ago already! Time flies when you're having the best year ever!

Remind me to tell you tomorrow about the funny thing that happened to me at the Old Navy...

Something Yummy!

So the other day, I'm in the grocery store, and I'm looking at tuna because my kid could eat it every day, and frankly, I like it too because it's super high in protein, and it fills me up (I prefer it with tons of mayo, but I eat it plain sometimes too). And I see these cans of flavoured tuna from Clover Leaf. And they're on sale for like 99 cents a can, so I get a few. The other day, I decide to try one, and it !!freaking changed my life!!, so I figure I'd tell you guys about it (I kind of feel like a lame product placement in The Biggest Loser, but seriously, this was SO good!)

I don't know if you crazy Americans can get Clover Leaf stuff, but Canadians, go out and try these if you haven't! And Americans, if you live close to a border, you must cross it to try these extremely band friendly little treats!

I tried the spicy Thai flavoured one (had a little chili pepper on top of it...so cute!) and it was lovely and spicy and the little can was the perfect amount to keep me full for 5 hours! FIVE HOURS!! And not that I'm giving the fine folks at Clover Leaf ALL the credit for the 5-ish pounds I lost this week...but I'm sure the tuna had something to do with it!

Nutrition
Per 1 can (85 g)

Calories 160 Amount Per
Serving % Daily Value
Total Fat 7 g 11%
Saturated Fat 1 g
Trans Fat 0 g
Saturated +
Trans 5%
Cholesterol 35 mg
Sodium 470 mg 20%
Carbohydrate 9 g 3%
Fibre 1 g 5%
Sugars 9 g
Protein 15 g
Vitamin A 0%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 0%
Iron 8%


That's my story. And you're welcome! :P

COOOOOL!!!!

I'm so excited!! I just got an email from my surgeon's office about a "Moment Of Truth" campaign Allergan is launching in 2011. They want to know if I'd be willing to take part and talk about how the lap band has changed my life. Well, you all know how I don't like to talk about myself, but I managed to gather up enough courage to call (2 seconds after the email landed in my mailbox) to tell them to SIGN! ME! UP!!

I hope they pick me to be a part of the campaign! I want to be a lap band poster girl!!

Clearly, my problem is that I'm shy.

OUCH!

So do you want to know about the stupid thing I did last week? I went out to an all you can eat Japanese place for lunch. Now...I know a lot of you have trouble with sushi. I do not. I went to this place with a girlfriend who doesn't know about my band, and we're not super close, so I didn't want to come out and tell her, especially since she saw me (she hasn't seen me in MONTHS) and she didn't say word one about how hot I look. Whaaaat??? I KNOW!

So we sit down, and she starts ordering off the little order form thingie. This particular place does not have a bento box option, and they also make you pay for any pieces you don't eat! Cheeky!! And I'm looking at what she's writing down, but I'm just not saying anything, and I'm ordering one of this and one of that. And then it comes to the table. SO MUCH EFFING SUSHI! So I'm eating...and as I may have mentioned, I can eat at the pace of a normal person. I can toss a whole piece of sushi in my mouth, chew and swallow and if, say Jenny was sitting beside me, she would be shrieking in disbelief that I could do it, but I can. And I did. Over and over. And I knew I was full. And I knew there was a lot of rice in there, and that would only expand and make me FULLER. But I was stressed out about getting charged for leftovers! I know I know, but I'm broke and I was also raised not to be a waster.

Finally, I had to come clean. I had to tell her. But it was too late...damage done. I have not experienced anything like this in my journey so far. It was painful. But I didn't throw up. Didn't slime. Nothing. I knew I was stuffed to the gills (ha! pun!) but it just stayed in there...hurting. So basically, the rest of the day was filled with pain and me being absolutely CERTAIN that I'd stretched my pouch, or exploded the band off completely with my gluttony (which wasn't actually gluttony...it was more secrecy...but at the end of the day, my tummy doesn't give a crap). I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. In fact, I figured that was it for me and eating forever. However, shockingly, I'm back in the saddle.

So, I think where I'm going with this is that I'm some sort of freak of nature. I was talking to Jenny about it last night, and I realize that while my band isn't super tight, it is definitely doing its job of controlling my hunger. I am rarely if ever hungry. It does NOT do a great job of stopping me from eating larger portions than I'm supposed to. So that, for me, has to be about slowing down and using willpower. Today I was going to do an experiment where I didn't eat until I was actually stomach growly hungry. But then I forgot about it and I ate lunch. So tomorrow, if I remember, I'm going to do that. ONLY eat when my stomach is growling. Wonder how that's going to go! I'm on the edge of my sturdily built seat!

10 Years Ago Right Now . . .

...I was probably watching a nurse bathe my brand new 10 lb, 6 oz baby boy. I was as exhausted and as happy and as madly in love as I've ever been in my whole life.

November 22, 2000 was the best day of my life because it was the day I got to be a mom to the greatest kid ever born. I know some of you will argue with me that YOUR kid is the greatest kid ever born...but you're wrong. He's mine! :P

(...and his little brother ain't too shabby either)

Gird Your Loins - It's Time For Then and Now Pictures

Dear people of the interweb:

I have some before pictures here to show you, and to be honest, I've been putting off posting them all morning. Because they shocked me so much and I am embarrassed of them. And I am not an easy girl to embarrass! However, the other day over lunch with Carmen, my friend Heather mentioned that she had a before picture of me on her phone that she took at one of my (many) "farewell sweet food" meals immediately pre-liquid diet. I was floored. As we passed the picture around the table, I think we were all amazed. And I have come a long way!

So many of you have shared your befores (often in your underpants!)...and they are my favourite thing (the inspiration they give me, not looking at you guys in your underpants), and so, without further ado, here are my before and now pictures (fully clothed ones). You may gird your loins...NOW:

Sept, 2010 (in Chicago) ...........Jan 2010 (just post surgery)

December 2009 ..............October 2010 (100 lbs down)

Discuss. And tell me I'm pretty.

The Story Of Yesterday

So yesterday, I went to visit my lovely friend Carmieplops in the land of pancake wrapped sausages on sticks. Ah, America: the land of line-ups. I lined up to get into the country, to find a parking space, to get IN the Coach store (yeah...they make you line up to get INTO the store where they sell ridiculously overpriced, semi-attractive handbags!) There was a line to eat at the Olive Garden (yes I DID go there...excitedly and delightedly...and they didn't make me feel like family...but the breadsticks...my gods, the breadsticks!!) and then Wegmans was lined up out the wazoo (I have to stop and get all the fun food that I can't get in Canada. Combos and spray cheese, anyone??). Then of course, there was the line to get OUT of the country. Is it always like that? Sweet baby jeebus it was ridiculous! But it was worth every second to get to see Carmen (we met in Marshalls, for old times sake) and meet her brother! I'd do it all over again!

May I tell you a little story about GPS? Ok, here it is: I've never used one before. But my girlfriend Heather (pictured above, who also came along ) says to me, "don't worry about directions, I'm going to bring the GPS!" "Hooray!" I say, because I have NO sense of direction, and I get stressed out when I'm lost (which doesn't happen as often as you might think. Ok...yes it does. I can't lie to you!). If I learned one thing yesterday it is this: do NOT TRUST THE GPS! She is a stuck up, British bitch, and she says "Boulevard" like she has a cock in the back of her throat. Here's what she did to me: Heather put in the directions that we wanted to go home, avoiding toll roads. Reasonable, right? Except that to get back into Canada, there is a toll. We did not know this! The GPS gives us directions, and I follow them. The I-190 is TOTALLY packed with traffic, but that's ok, because the GPS tells us to get off at exit 25! Goodbye, traffic! I'm happy because I think that the GPS is giving us a magical back way to avoid traffic, because Heather tells me they're magical like that. I assure you...they are NOT. So I'm driving...and driving....following the pink line like a good girl...and I'm thinking "this seems wrong". But I hesitate to say anything, because I don't want to offend Heather, or the magical GPS which has taken us away from the dreaded traffic. And yet...somehow, I know this is wrong. After some discussion, Heather concludes that we ARE going the right way, and we are just driving parallel to Canada, and can't I FEEL the direction that we're going is right because she has an amazing sense of direction and she can just FEEL that we're going the right way. After 26km(!!) we come to the turn. And the GPS tells me to go 91 km (!!!!!) until the next road. At this point, I say eff this and pull into the parking lot at the Tops friendly market. She scrolls through the directions, and we realize that the GPS is taking us...wait for it...TO QUEBEC!!! Now, I like being right as much (ok...wayyyyy more) as the next person, but by now I'm mildly irritated. So we figure out that the stupid GPS isn't avoiding TRAFFIC...it's avoiding the TOLL. Arg. Now tell me...don't you think there should be some kind of thing programmed into those things where if it's going to take you home a way that's going to be like 8 HOURS out of your way, shouldn't it ask "are you sure?" I mean, Facebook asks me if I'm sure I want to POKE someone. Shouldn't GPS ask me if I'm sure I want to drive out of the PROVINCE in order to come back to the province?? Just sayin. Someone should send the GPS people a note.

Aaaaaanyhoo...we finally made it back in time to wait in the border line-up for an hour...and then we made it home...almost without incident. The GPS did eff me over one more time, but I won't bore you with the details. We made it home in one piece, and I am ever so much wiser. Of course now I've just told you a story in which I'm a stupid girl doing a stupid girl thing. Don't judge.

Today Is A Good Day!

Let me preface this little victory post with a story, and I've probably told it already, but maybe I haven't, so here it is: about 15 years ago, I was prescribed this fabulous drug called fen/phen. It was, I thought, a miracle. I was not interested in food in the slightest when I was taking it. And I had SO much energy! I started taking it right as I began going to funeral school, and I shrunk like CRAZY from August until December! It was the most weight I ever lost, and the least amount of effort I ever put into weight loss. I met my husband in October during that time. We started dating in January. And that was around the thinnest I can remember being during my adult life. I don't know exactly how thin I was, because I never weighed myself, but I always assumed I was around 200lbs. WRONG.

Let me also say that I have, for some years, felt a little guilty about my hubs meeting me at that time...like I'd sold him a bill of goods, because he fell in love with me when I was, as I like to think of it, a "normal fat". Not that he has ever made me feel that way! I know he loves me at any weight, but still...it's an inner turmoil that I'm sure all fatties go through, no matter how loving or wonderful their partners may be.

During that time of unimaginable (for me) skinniness, I had some clothes that I bought. One was a ski-jacket from a Toronto outfitter called Mountain Equipment Co-Op. It was an XL and it was a victory coat because it was not only from a non-fat-girl store, but from a store that caters to sporty, outdoorsy folk! The other thing was a London Fog raincoat, purchased in a...wait for it...size 12 petite. Yeah. Those coats have been in my closet for years, silent reminders of how thin I was once. Today, I decided to try them on and see how far I had to go to get back into them.

THEY FIT!

Both of them fit! By the time I had finished buttoning the raincoat, I was shaking. I can't believe it! I took pictures (even though I look like street people and haven't showered...and am not wearing pants) because I needed to record the moment. And now, I post them here...so I will never forget how happy I am today!

I am HAPPY!

I Think I'm Offended!

You know what's shocking? When a fatty posts on her Facebook page that she's having "knee surgery", how many people assume she's having a double knee replacement! At 40!?!?! Jeeeee-SUS, people! What, fat people can't have a sports injury? As my four year old would say, that is ALL kinds of "puffed up"! Should I be offended? Because whether of not I should, I'm pretty sure I am! And I'm pretty hard to offend!

A lot of times, people are idiots.

And now...because I can't dance yet, I feel like you guys should. I dare you to listen to this and not dance. I DARE you!

Obviously...

...the surgery only went well because so many exceptional bloggers were sending out good Karma! Thanks for all the well wishes!!

I was awake for the surgery, which was cool because I got to banter with the doctors and nurses, and also I got to see the inside of my knee and all the carnage in there! I walked out of the surgery feeling like a million bucks. Because my knee was frozen. Today...not so frozen. So I'm a little ouchy, but still walking and doing stairs because I am clearly a superhero. And taking pain meds! (only Tylenol 3 though! I also have a back-up plan of an entire bottle of liquid Codeine from my lap band surgery because I didn't take ANY pain meds after that! Yes, you can touch me...I'm real!)

Thanks again for all the love, ladies! You made my day (as usual)!!! xoxo

Knee Surgery...dun dun DUN!!!

Today is my LOOOOOONG awaited knee surgery. Back when I started this whole stupid thing, it was a bad scene. I'm nearly 70 lbs lighter than I was on that day back in January. My new Dr. is awesome, and scheduled me with no issues at all. Of course I'm terrified and planning my gruesome death on the operating table...but that's just the undertaker in me. I'm sure I'll probably be most likely ok.

However...at 1:15 eastern time...send a little happy thought my way!

Toodles!!

Save Me From The Candy!

This is what is on my kitchen counter right now. I don't think the picture captures the sheer volume of candy. There's SO EFFING MUCH OF IT! And I didn't make hubby hide it before he left for the day (read: I am still recovering from the party Saturday night, and didn't wake up until long after he'd left this morning and therefore was unable to demand that he hide it from me). Last night is a sugary haze, but I do recall a chocolate free-for-all, followed by a potato chip orgy. Apparently my band took Halloween off. Or maybe she was just dressed up like a regular stomach. She's so cheeky!

And so...in an effort to keep my Cheeto-stained fingers out of the candy bowl, I blog. I'll tell you about my Halloween party on Saturday night. This party is the party of the year. The couple who throw it are bonafide Halloween FREAKS! The ENTIRE house is re-decorated in scary. It was a blast! Mr. Kotter was there, and Olivia Newton John, circa. Physical. The "dick in a box" guys showed up, ABBA was there (which was my personal favourite!), of course, Snookie! There was a 70's male porn star, a belly dancer (who was NOT me! Crazy!) and the chick from Avatar. Also, Mr. T showed up. Fantastic! There were more, but I can't remember them right now because of all the damage to my brain cells courtesy of WAY too much red wine and shots of Jagermeister (why why why?) As for me, I dressed up as Mia Wallace (Pulp Fiction) after the OD. Please note the syringe stuck to my chest and the line of blood from my nostril...and if you look close you can see the "coke" around my nostrils...which gave me a lovely baby powder aroma for the evening! It was a fun night. I spent the whole night dancing with ABBA. Which is a far cry from last year, when I did nothing. I also want to note that this year, I took the boys trick-or-treating, while the hubs stayed home and shelled out. Last year, I sat my remarkably larger ass in a (sturdy) lawn chair and handed out treats while HE got to take the boys out. This year was much much MUCH better! And come to think of it, THAT is going to be the reason I'm going to keep my chubby fingers out of the candy bowl today. Good reason!

Halloween...faaaaack.

Ok...so why is it that the second I feel like I'm back on track, some massive thing comes to de-rail me? So far so good, but Sunday is Halloween. Hallo-fucking-ween! My kids are going to come boogying into this house with MASSIVE bags of chocolate. And chips, my own personal waterloo. To say nothing of the Costco sized boxes of chocolate over there on that chair...looking at me...telling me to open them and just have one. Which I am NOT doing...but sweet jeebus it is taking every ounce of willpower I have. EVERY OUNCE. Sunday, there's no chance I'm not going to hoover everything in sight. Don't bother sending me a supportive comment telling me to stay strong and resist and that I'm doing so well and I can DO this. I can't. Not on Sunday, anyway. After Sunday, I will have my children hide their bags from me, hopeful that my inherent laziness will be enough to stop me from putting any real effort into searching for them. And, from my sugar induced coma, I will cross my sausage-esque fingers and hope I haven't done too much damage. And then I will begin (again) the 3 day sugar detox it will take so that I stop craving carbs.

There it is, mapped out, the next week of Gilly's life. Down the rabbit hole I go.

I'm out.

Well ladies and scant few gentleman...here's the scoop: I'm out of the closet.

The other day, someone asked me (again!! why do people keep ASKING me this??) if I had lost "all this weight" with no help from weight loss surgery or anything. And my mouth (and I swear to you, I had no idea mouth was going to do this to me, but sometimes it does that at restaurants too...like you think you're going to order a burger, and then mouth opens and out comes "I'll have the chicken wings". It's a crazy renegade, my mouth - and yes I DO mean that in a plethora of ways...but I digress...) Anyhoo...I outed myself to my coffee ladies. And there and then, I made the decision that if someone out and out asked me, I'm going to come clean about the band. It is how I'm going to roll from here on in.

It actually surprises me that it took this long for mouth to out me. I'm a pretty (read: INCREDIBLY) open book. Always have been. I remember my mother's (somewhat threatening) mantra to me when I was growing up: "what goes on in this house STAYS in this house!!" So the fact that I've made it through 10 months of this journey without telling everyone I run into on the street is actually fairly miraculous to me. This new outness...it's freeing! That said, I'll tell you that I'm NOT the self-conscious type, and I'm also not really consumed with what people think of me or are saying behind my back. So that probably helps. I'm not inviting people from my life (other than some REALLY important ones) to read this blog. I'm also not concerned about being anonymous. I say what I say, and I stand behind it. I hope I'm not a malicious person, or not willfully anyway...so this is my blog, and this is my life, and right now, that's good for me.

By the way, still holding steady at 101 lbs down. Not wild about this plateau, but I know it won't be forever. As I told Jenny today, once I hit 100lbs down, anything more seems anti-climactic for me, somehow. I know it isn't, and that every pound is a victory...and yet, I'm content for now. Wonder how long this contentment will last...

Tilt Of The Earth?

Ok...in reading the rest of the bloggy blogs, I'm noticing a disturbing trend. A LOT of us seem to be very down, and very out of sorts, and a lot of us are reporting gains. I myself might even have reported a gain...if I wasn't so terrified to get on the scale. On Saturday I was holding steady. Which is about all I'm ready to deal with right now. Sue me.

So I have this theory: all of us meeting in Chicago threw the world out of tilt. Too much fabulousness in one place. The Universe couldn't handle it. Think about it. I think you'll realize that, like always, I am right.

Where I am right now is here: I feel fat. For months, as the weight has been coming off, I've gotten pretty used to feeling thin. Not thin like thin people feel, I'm sure, but thin for me. Lap-discovering and leg-crossing thin. But I've been at this weight for 3+ weeks now. And apparently, being at one weight for too long makes my body get used to it, and now I feel fat. The HORRIFYING day I had yesterday did not help. Three words: Butter Tart Loaf. LOAF, people!!! I mean, who makes something like this?? Mennonites, that's who. And how can I be expected to just walk PAST it and not buy it?? I can't, that's how. It was a LOAF of BUTTER TART. It was filling without all the annoying crust! Come ON! And you notice I speak of it in the past tense. Because it is a former butter tart loaf. Because it's gone now. I'm not proud.

So last night, as I downward spiralled, I read a blog from my hero Joey. You might know of her. She's very dull and plain, but she makes a good point...I suggest you go have a looksee. And then I had a chat with my angel of sunshine, Jenny. And I think (and I hope I'm not speaking too soon) I might be pulling out of this. I have an appointment for a fill next week to see if that helps, and today there will be some Jillian Michaels style shredding happening. And as always, I will be reading blogs and looking for some inspiration from all you fine people.

(I bet that was the most times you ever read the words "butter tart" in one paragraph. I know...I'm evil, etc.)

Product Junkie!

I just got back from a sale. A L'Oreal sale. TONS of product! Shampoo, make-up, creams, lotions, potions...seriously the happiest place on earth. And I need nothing. I have cupboards FULL of product...and yet I spent $100 there. On what? Shampoo mostly.

I have this new obsession with making my straight hair not frizzy. Alexis recommended this amazing product from Living Proof, but although it works ridiculously well, it's $12 for basically a sample sized bottle of shampoo at Sephora. So I'm on a mission to find the miracle shampoo and conditioner combo that will actually do for my hair what it says on the bottle that it's going to do.

Have you ever read a bottle of hair product? It's like a freaking fairy tale. And I WANT TO BELIEVE!!! And I DO believe! Every single time I see the words "sleek" or "smooth" or "glossy", I am transported to a happy world where my hair (which is falling out like a mofo) cascades in smooth, shiny waves down over my shoulders, and people turn as I walk down the street in awe; a world where strangers walk up to me in malls just so they can plunge their hands into its soft, silky depths. Yeah. Not happening.

Vanity...thy name is Gilly! Intervention needed much?

Inside The Mind Of The Fat Chick

Well...my eating has been for shit this week. This has happened before, and I know exactly why it happens. I fall off the protein bandwagon (no pun...ok...a little pun intended) and I get bogged down with carboliciousness. I KNOW this happens. I KNOW when it happens, it takes me days of detoxing and not giving in to cravings to get back to where I was. And yet...

Why is it that even with all I've learned, and as far as I've come, my brain still goes "oh...well it's a special day...we get to eat crap!! WOOHOOO!!" My birthday...the one and only thing I wanted for dinner was KFC. The most fat and salt laden food I can think of. I freaking want to roll around in it! We never have it. And any time we have in the past, I take the skin off before I give it to my kids! My kids don't know KFC even HAS skin! Mummy does though! I get double skin! Woooo! The problem is, first of all, it's never as good as you think it's going to be! I mean, I've been chasing the dragon for YEARS with KFC! And second of all. after being totally swollen for 2 days after eating it, man am I jonesing for carbs! I've been avoiding the scale like the plague. I need to detox! And I need to re-wire my brain so it stops thinking that a "special occasion" is a reason to eat crap. Because let's face it, I can make anything into a special occasion. Arg.

Maybe NOT watching FoodTV 24/7 would be a good start? lol!

HUGE Gain!

When I got my band, I expected to lose weight. What I never in a million years would have ever expected is what I've gained: this group of absolutely remarkable women! The experience of this weekend...what an incredible time, and what an unforgettable birthday! Thank you ladies so much for being even more scrumtralescent in person than you are on your blogs!

The incriminating pictures will follow. And to all the amazing bloggers who couldn't make it this year...I can't wait to see what next year has in store! I can't wait to meet you ALL!!

Off To Chicago!

I'm flying out in a couple of hours! See you there all my fine, fine bitches!!

MOTORBOAT!!! (aka: BOOBS Questions)

Hi all the boobie girls! Someone much more organized than I am thought it would be fun to know more about you, and she enlisted me to think of some crazy questions…so…this is sort of a Gillyified version of Drazil’s BYOC. Knock yourselves out.

1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?

I am such a cheaterpants, but I'm going to say CHIPS...ALL different flavours (except All Dressed, ironically)...and next, I need to have LOBSTER...and third, PAD THAI!!

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

John Lennon, because that dude has GOT to be trippy, Joss Whedon, because I could discuss all things Buffy with him, and Paul Rudd because I want to bang the hell out of that guy! YUM!! Wait...maybe I'll add him to my "list of foods"...

Oh...and also...JOEY!!


3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

I would be the lovely and vivacious TOBY ERINDALE!

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

I was 21 (yes I was...why does nobody ever believe that???) Least favourite will always be my gunt (hanging apronlike horror of a stomach...ew!) My most favourite is my face...specifically my lack of 17 chins.

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

I do not believe in ghosts or evil spirits. I would be totally willing to spend a night alone in a haunted house. WITH a oiuja board! Boo!

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

I'm mousy brown. Tinged at this point with soooo much grey. I dye it a chestnutty brown...with a blonde streak here and there.

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?

I like my men to wear boxer briefs. Myself, I'm a granny panty gal. Or boyshorts. I like those.

8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

When Harry Met Sally

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

I love Stephen King novels. Shhhhh! (come on...how surprised are you that I didn't go straight to sex with this one, right??)

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)

100.4 mothafuckaaaaaaaa!!!

The Aftermath!

The Birthday Girl (aka: me!!) and the swag!

I am in a considerably calmer state than I was last time I posted. Turns out, as usual, I panic for nothing. What a fantastic night! While the party itself wasn't entirely a surprise, some of the people who were there definitely were! The dinner was really nice, and there was just so much wine. And SO much swag! My friends and family definitely showered me with love...and presents!! And wine! The best part is that, and I know that I can't be the only one like this, but I have different groups of friends...and they are separate...and they know that the other groups exist, but they have never met. On Saturday night, many of my worlds collided...and it could have gone pear shaped...but it was GREAT! My friends all melded together perfectly! I literally could not have asked for more. I feel very very lucky and very loved. And now...I will let you see pictures!!
My BFF Marla. Friends since Kindergarten!

Me and my boys. The little one is happy, I swear.

My other BFF Ana, and the hubs, who organized the event!

My brother Ross.

Really SERIOUSLY Pushing 40

Ok people. It's on the horizon. Not being 40lbs down. Not eating 40 wings. Not having 40 children. Not even drinking 40 glasses of wine. In a few short days, I will have crossed the line...and I will be a 40 year old. Fuck. Deep breaths.

I'm having une petite meltdown because only a few hours ago, I learned that my family is planning a surprise birthday party for me tomorrow fucking night!! And it has remained a surprise until literally a few hours ago (how did they pull that off?? Is it possible I'm not as sharp and perceptive as I think I am?? Nooooo...can't be...). And I know that some people are suprise party people and, for them, this would be a dream come true. I am NOT one of these people. Not that I'm not secretly a teeny tiny bit delighted (shhh...I tell you guys everything, but don't tell the masses), but I am also freaking out!!! I have nothing to wear!! Well I DO but I was saving it for Chicago!! I know I sound like a horrible, ungrateful bitch, but I swear I'm not! I'm just a control freak! Honest! Fuuuuuuck!

Ok...deep breaths. I know this is good. And it means that people love me. And in spite of not having control over the guest list, everything will be ok. Right? RIGHT???

Excited About Thousand Word Thursday!

This topic got me all excited...which is weird because I'm not a jewelry girl. However, the very few pieces I have, I SUPER MEGA ULTRA LOVE! They are as follows:

This is a Tiffany bracelet. I'm sure at least half of you have one. In fact, I don't think they let you be a cougar without having one these days, so ladies, if you want to join the club, get shopping. I love it because my hubby NEVER buys me jewelry...although I haunt the Tiffany's website and regularly send him wishful emails from there. And one Valentine's Day (which was weird in itself because I effing HATE Valentine's Day as it is an exclusionist, made-up holiday that makes people in relationships feel guilty and people who are not in relationships want to kill themselves...but I digress...) a Fed-Ex truck pulls up at my house and the dude delivers THIS. After he revived me, I tried to put it on. Too small for my fat wrist. So hubs was going to get a couple of extra links put in, but being the lazy people we are, it just never got done. Fast forward to a few months ago, Gilly is going to a wedding; I see the bracelet and try it on. FITS! So happens it jingles like a dog collar, but to me, that sound is VICTORY, my friends!

The second piece is actually my favourite of all time. I'm a HUGE John Lennon fan, and I saw this and I had to have it. I've never seen anything else like it (if you have seen it before, or have one, please shhhh....don't burst my bubble).

I'm a pretty simple girl, blingwise. And always silver or white gold. I would love some diamonds though, so if any of you want to show me how much you REALLY love me, and you also happen to be a bazillionaire, now's your time to shine. I will be waiting for the Fed-Ex truck...

Yep...Not There Yet

This week, the weather around here got a little cooler than it has been. Sweater weather-ish, really. Which kind of threw me into a panic, because while I have a TON of summer clothes that fit me right now, my winter wardrobe is, how you say...non-existent. I have one pair of jeans (thank you Jenny) that are actually a little big...and frankly I haven't worn pants in years, so I'm a little bit at a loss as to how to wear them and cover up my problem area...which is basically the bottom half of me. Anyhoo...where I'm going with this is, I decided to take a little trip to the Old Navy. Let me preface this by saying that here in Canada, the Old Navy goes to size 18. I was kind of hoping they went to 20, but they do not. The reason I know this for certain is that I took my mother along on my shopping trip, and she stood with me in front of the wall'o'jeans loudly speculating about why they wouldn't have size 20's, holding up size 18's and (again loudly) remarking how huge they looked and (still loudly) commenting that she was sure I could squeeze my ass into them. Around that time, a helpful Old Navy employee came over to see if my shrieking mother and I needed any help. I stood there and died inside while my mother (do I need to tell you loudly?) berated said helpful employee about why they didn't have size 20's there. However, the final outcome is 100% confirmation that they do NOT, and I hastily took some 18's to try on, knowing full well that they were not going to fit, and yet secretly hoping they might. I then took my mother into a different area of the store and (quietly) told her to shut the fuck UP and that I was mortified and humiliated and then I went to look at sweaters. Alone. Which I bought two of. However, back to the jeans. Suffice it to say that while I CAN cram my ample ass into them, they didn't even have a hope of closing. Crazily, the ones that came closest to closing were the "skinny jeans". The world is so not ready for this ass in skinny jeans. Not ever. We will leave it at that.

I had planned to wander over to the Gap and see what they had going on...but the Old Navy debacle took the wind out of my sails quite a bit. And the fact that I spent nearly $100 on 2 sweaters (which actually look fantastic, if I do say so) and I was feeling guilty for spending the money. So the Gap remains uncharted territory for this fat girl. When I do decide to explore, be assured I will be going alone.

Man...when I can fit into Old Navy 18's...that's going to be victory. Watch this space...

Where Have I Been?

It has been brought to my attention that I haven't done a blog in a while...and so, without further ado, I bring you my first "Thousand Word Thursday" (which is gonna come in WAY under a thousand words...don't kick me out of the club!)

My favourite decoration isn't something that lives inside my house...and it's not something that is even out all year round. It's a Halloween blow up that I usually put up right around my birthday (end of Sept) and keep up for the month of October (I am the crazy Halloween person who puts my Halloween decorations out WAY first...I like to think the rest of the neighbourhood follows my lead). He's a ghost, although it has been said that he looks more like a sperm - you be the judge. In the picture above, he's wearing my bra (kind of a hard night of partying the night before...thanks to my neighbour for this. Last time I loan HER one of my bras!) His tummy is a globe, and in it, there's a black cat, and a bunch of bats that blow around in there...and all the little kids stop on their way to school to look at him. I love looking out my living room window and seeing a little puddin' on their way to school getting all excited about the crazy bats flying around in there! He's not usually wearing the bra, by the way. You got that part, right?

For Sandy: you can kind of make out the bats there in the back.

In weight loss related news: without much fanfare, I passed my WW lowest recorded weight. So, to me, that means that right now, I am in fresh weight loss territory. Definitely the lowest weight of my 30's. Yet still not quite at 100 down. I've noticed that I seem to sort of stall about every 30ish pounds. I figure my body is just re-distributing the leftovers. I wish it re-distribute more back to my boobs. Sheesh!

One last thing: tomorrow is my youngest's first day of Jr. Kindergarten. Every morning from 9-11:30, I will be child free. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. Sadly, it will probably be something super exciting like laundry or washing the floors. Yes...you can touch me...I'm real. *sigh*

That's my story.

This Time Last Year...

It's hotter than eff here in the GTA (that's the Greater Toronto Area, for those not in the know)! And it's also the LAST WEEK OF SUMMER VACATION for my kids! The little one will be starting Jr. Kindergarten! Fonzie be praised, I will have 5 child free mornings a week. Until I go back to work, that is. And hopefully, that's coming soon. However, as wildly exciting as that is, it's not what this post is about. This post is about what a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time, basically, I was furniture. I pretty much moved between the couch and the bedroom, with brief stops at the kitchen. I remember this last week of summer vividly. My kids, quite rightly, wanted to play outside. And so, because I couldn't have walked to the park or done anything with them, I parked a chair out front of my house and watched them ride their bike and trike up and down the sidewalk. And I felt proud of myself because I'd figured out a way that they could be outside playing where I could sit. And today, thinking back on it, I am so disgusted with myself. That girl was worried about taking my littlest one to pre-school because it meant I'd have to walk from the car to the building and stand waiting for him to go in...and that was taxing for me. Today...one year later, I don't know that girl at all. And I am SO glad! She was a pain in the ass.

This summer, we've gone places, met friends, wandered Toronto, and had a blast. I've been constantly amazed at how much I can do, because my brain is still up there telling me "ooh, maybe we'd better not..." But I ignore him...crazy brain! We've done 10x more than we did last summer! Can you imagine what NEXT summer will be like?? I can't WAIT!

Today I went for a fill. Just .1 of a CC. And as I chatted with the nurse, she asked me if I'd be willing to talk to other potential patients about my experience and my success so far. I said I would...because I'd love to be the reason that someone like the girl I was one year ago turns into the girl I am now...and the girl I'm aiming to be. It'd be nice to be the reason someone changes their life.

SO! MUCH!! FUN!!!!

OMG, you guys! If you have a Wii, RUN do not walk to get this game! It is SO much freakin' fun...and it's a workout worthy of a Zumba class! Seriously...what a blast!

That is all...carry on.

Sisterhood Rack Stuff

Ok ladies...this is my first sisterhood post. Here we go...brace yourselves:

This is a jean skirt with some ebroidery down the front (it's like a grey/blue with brown), Penningtons size 28 and it's approx 32" from waist to hem. Zips up the back, no pockets.

This top is lined and gauzy - spaghetti straps and elastic at the top. It's a size 3x and 21" long from top of the elastic to the hemline. I wore it once. :(

This is a cotton skirt...it's prettier than it looks in this picture. Brown with a ruffled layer that peeks out. It's a size 28, but I would say it's a small 28 - I believe it's jr. sizing. It's so cute and I never got to wear it. 32" from waist to hem.

I bought this dress from SWAK online - it cost me a frickin' fortune in customs charges...and then I never wore it and now it's way too big. Sad! I think it's a 4x (there's no size on it, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is) and it's elastic-y in the shoulders so it could be worn off the shoulder if you wanted. It's lined and 45" from shoulder to hem. It's black, so the detail didn't come out great, but it's a nice dress.

So...there that is...

Sneaking Up On 100

I got on the scale this morning, and I just about fell off. Through no fault of my own, I'm about 6 lbs away from being 100 lbs down. Honestly...the last 10 or so lbs, I have not worked for at all. Kind of hate me right now, don'tcha? I know, I know. I honestly don't know what I've been doing, but I hope I can keep on doing it! I consider it karmic balance from the times when I worked my ample ass off and practically starved myself and lost nothing. I enjoy perfect symmetry.

So, this weigh in has meant 2 things to me, and I'm getting excited about both of them:

1) It means I'm just a couple of pounds away from the lowest I ever got in my WW recorded weight loss attempts. After that, I consider myself in fresh weight loss territory, and it's wildly exciting and mildly surreal to be so close to that place.

2) 100 lbs lost. Say WHAT?? I mean come ON!! Part of me is so super crazy proud of myself, I want to shout it from the rooftops...I want to get a sign board that lights up and walk up and down the street, shaking pop poms...I want to have it tattooed on my forehead so everyone can go "wow!". And the other part of me wants to lie about how much I've lost because I still have a long way to go, and I want to shield myself from the thin people judging me. It's a mixture of pride and shame I've never felt before. I will call it "prame". Or perhaps "shride". Not sure...I'll work on it. Suggestions welcome.

So...that's where I am at the moment. I'm running out of clothes that fit, and I look horrible in pants (damn stumpy legs...grrr...arg!) so honestly, I'm really looking forward to the clothing exchange in Chicago...dress/skirt people, Auntie Gilly needs you! My s-i-l just sent me a 30% off thing for The Gap/Old Navy etc as well...so maybe it's time to go shopping! At least aspirationally shopping as far as The Gap is concerned. I honestly don't think I've ever even looked there for clothing for myself. Also on the menu...underpants. I'ma get some NON-granny-panties. Exciting, no? Try and calm yourselves...and stop picturing me in my underpants! Nah, just kidding...totally keep on doing it ;)

Hmmmm...

You know...it's crazy how sometimes you can remember something so perfectly in your head...but then when you look at something documented from that time, you're actually so totally wrong about the events. (see what I did there? I admitted I can be wrong! wow!)

When I did Weight Watchers in 2003/2004, I got down to a certain weight. And that weight is 5 lbs lower than the weight I am now. Which is fantastic, right? I know!! I hit 90 lbs down this week, and that's the most I've ever lost when I've been documenting. But the reason I know exactly what my weight loss was back then is because I still have my WW books. I have them hidden in my bedside table and sometimes I take them out and lovingly caress them, remembering the good old days of being soooo much thinner. And I would have told you with absolute positivity that when I went back to work in Jan of 2004, that I was at my lowest weight. But turns out, that's wrong. When I went back in Jan 2004, I was actually a couple of pounds heavier than I am right this second! And I felt SO super skinny at the time! I didn't reach my lowest until April 2004. Eight months after I started WW. I kept attending meetings until June 2004, and by that time, the numbers had already begun to creep up. Then there are no more entries...because clearly I fell off the wagon hard and it was a steady trip up until December 2009. It was so strange and surreal to see that, because although I feel awesome, I don't feel like I think I remember feeling back then. But then again, maybe I didn't feel that skinny back then. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong.

Woah...I think I might have blown my mind...

Know Who I Love?

All the people who have their word verifications for their comments turned off. You guys are the best and don't think I haven't noticed and appreciated it, because I HAVE!

Dear My Lap

Oh my lap! There you are! I MISSED you, dude! It's been so long since I last saw you, I kind of forgot you were there! You are so handy! I wanted you to know that I'm really enjoying having you back! Today, I rested my wallet on you when I went to the drive through bank machine and it was bliss! It's kick ASS being able to have my kids sit on you! I want you to know that I love you and I never want to lose you again!

All my love,
Gilly xo

You're Not Going To Be "THAT" Person, Are You?

Well...here it is...the Dinnerland inspired post. Let's begin:

Let me start by saying I am a forever fatty. I was a chubby little girl, and my mother, having struggled with her weight her whole life, made it her life's work that I might not be a fat girl. To her, what that meant was shaming me about my weight in the hopes that I would eventually take myself in hand and lose weight, taking me with her to all her diet programs, and even taking me to a psychiatrist when I was about 12. Let me preface this by saying that I adore my mother, and we're very close, and she acknowledges that the fucked up HUGE, but that she was only trying to save me a lifetime of...well...this. Some of the main things of note that have resonated all these years are:

After seeing "Annie" when I was about 10 years old and immediately expressing my deep need to now be a movie star just like the girls in the movie, my mother turned to me and said "Oh well, they would never put you in a movie...they don't let fat little girls be in movies."

After walking across the stage for my grade 8 graduation, my mother very seriously telling me "Gillian, you were the fattest girl who walked across that stage."

Telling me that my thin friends were my friends because I was no competition for them when it came to boys.

Yeah...like that. Am I pissed off about that shit? Yep. Does it come out every now and then when my mother and I are getting into it? Yep. However...did it define me? Hmmm...I'm not sure, but probably not? That's probably a whole 'nother blog right there!

Clearly, my mother's plan didn't work. I mean, yes...I did starve myself through half of grade 11 and lost 40 lbs...and starved myself AND threw up a good deal in University resulting in a huge weight loss...and took Phen Fen and Xenical and went on any gods amount of diet plans...but really, am I saying anything here that any of us haven't done?

And during all of this, did I hate myself? The answer is an unequiviocal no. Do I hate being fat? Not really. I hate that fat limits what I can do...but when I say I like being the fat chick...I really mean it! Do I feel hotter now that I'm down 85lbs? Maybe a little, but honestly...not as much as you might think!

Growing up, not many of my friends were fat. My BFF and I started out pretty much the same size, in fact. I think we were darling little puddins...both of us normal and adorable 5 year olds, ready to take on the world. But I ended up way fat, and she's varying degrees of skinny, but always skinny. My oldest friends are thin girls. But in University, all my friends were chubby to some degree or another, and food was a big part of University life. And here I am as a grown up lady, and honestly...most of my close girlfriends are at least a little overweight. So yeah...I think I must gravitate to fat people. But am I prejudiced against fat people? Frig, I hope not!

Which brings me to last week, some of the girlfriends and I were at the Keg steakhouse for a girl's night out. I had planned ahead and was going to pass up steak and just have an appetizer - scallops wrapped in bacon - very yummy, and less than 300 calories for the serving (let's not talk about the bottle of wine I drank, because obviously, wine that you had to purchase at a restaurant does not count, the same way cake eaten over the sink also has no calories). Anyway, talk turned to my weight loss, as it sometimes does lately, and I guess I started spouting some of the things that I've learned and that I do now when deciding what to eat, and one of the girls said "oh my god...you're not turning into one of THOSE people, are you??" By which she meant now that I'm losing weight, I'm not going to get all preachy and junk to those of the world who are not ready to lose weight yet. And I sincerely hope the answer is no. I hope that those words (and Dinnerland's post) made me chiggity check myself before I wreck myself, you feel me?

Hmmm...this post was not as well organized as I'd hoped it would be...but it's getting long and drawn out and something shiny just went by, so...I think that might be all I have to say about that.

Do You Ever...?

Do you ever read a post that speaks to you so much that you practically can't even get through it because you have so much to say to it? That just gets you so excited to tell your OWN crap? Yeah...right this second Dinnerland did that to me with this post. I am formulating my thoughts while I go away for a few days. I will be back though. And I have some personal stuff to say.

Thanks V, for making me think stuff :)

I'm Gonna Review Something? Say WHAT??

Well, my little chickadees...something exciting is in the works! I've been contacted by CSN Stores to review a product that might be something of interest to all of us! Exciting, no? I'd never heard of CSN Stores before, but I've come to learn that they have over over 200 online stores where you can find everything from cookware to toys to specific needs such as dining room sets and bedding! Online shopping, people! Is there anything better than sitting in your living room shopping and then having stuff come to your door? I think no. And soon, something will be coming to my door, and I will get to tell you all about it! I'm excited!

Are you excited???

My Blog...

...is officially perfect and 100% me!! What started out as a disaster has ended in something that totally uplifted my spirit and thawed my cold, black heart!

Today is a good day!

An Open Letter To My Head

Dear My Head:

Fuck OFF!!!  I am not hungry!  Every commercial on TV is NOT for something delicious and tantalizing!  And it would be just super if you could stop running through every piece of food we have in the house, because I am NOT going to stick it in my face!  Oh!  Oh!! And also, WHILE you're telling me how much I need to eat every morsel of food in the house, and plotting how to get our husband to run to the store for unspeakably splendid and fattening treats, it would be great if, when I DO actually eat something, if you could stop scaring the bejesus out of me about the possibility of my stomach stretching and epic failure.  Arg!

Sincerely,
Gilly

My First Non-Fill

I feel a little victorious.  I went to my fill appointment today, and decided NOT to get the fill.  Crazy!  Most of the time I feel like I'm just counting the days until my next fill, and worrying that I have no restriction because I've never had a PB or been stuck.  I'm at 6.7cc in a 10cc band.  But when I really think about it...like really REALLY think about it...I'm good!  My hunger level is good.  On protein, I can go 4 or 5 hours no problem.  I am .3 of a lb away from being 80lbs down. I can eat steak, pasta, all breads, and I can take Tylenol without having to break it in half...life is good.

I've spent a lot of time on blogs reading about sliming, and PBs and stucks...and I think that most of us seem to think it's the hallmark of being successful with a band.  But I'm not sure it is.  Not for all of us, anyway.  So if you're someone who isn't banded yet, or is just newly banded, what I want to impart to you is that you need to listen to your body ALL the time.  You might not ever have a PB (just as an example, I know that Linda is SUPER successful, and she's never had a PB either) and yet, your band might be doing exactly what it's supposed to do - curb your real hunger.  I dunno.  That's my experience so far, anyway.  And I kind of wish someone had told me.

Thoughts?

I Lost 76 Pounds In Six Months! I'm Going To ZOMBIELAND!!

Well kids...it's been six months.  Six months ago right now, I was probably fairly uncomfortable...terrified to eat anything...and wondering what was going to happen next.  I've learned a lot of things in the six months that's pretty much flown by, so I thought it might be fun to share some of it with y'all.

Last night, as I watched Zombieland for the eleventeenth time, I realized that the rules of living with the band are not unlike the rules of Zombieland.  It's time to nut up or shut up!

Rule #1:  Cardio - Yes kids...cardio is important, whether you're trying to lose weight, or outrun a zombie.  In the first few months of this, I would have told you with certainty that I would never exercise.  Gilly doesn't like to move...or get sweaty.  However...the further into this I got, the less afraid I got of moving.  And now I wear my sweat with pride.  I'll even wipe it on you if you get too close.  One thing is for sure:  THIS fatty isn't going to be one of the first ones eaten during the inevitable zombie apocalypse!

Rule #2 - The Double Tap - well...as far as zombie movies go, that's giving up that one extra bullet to make sure your undead friend is...well...no longer undead.  Well, since I got my band...I've double tapped a lot of food.  You know...that bag of chips that I bought in a moment of insanity when my inner fat girl told me that it would be ok just to buy one, and that we could control ourselves and portion it out and not binge (she is such an effing LIAR!)  Sometimes, you just have to commit some food murder in this business.  Sometimes that means dumping stuff in the garbage and covering it with other gross crap.  Sometimes it gets gory.  I may go to hell for some of the crimes I've committed against delicious, unsuspecting food...sometimes it keeps me up at night...but mostly, I'm ok with it.

Rule # 3 - Beware of Bathrooms - you know...this is just good practice, I don't care who you are.

Rule # 4 - Seatbelts - again, good practice...but hello!  How much more room is there when I put my seatbelt on now??  And sooo much space between me and the steering wheel.  Right???

Rule # 17 - Don't Be A Hero - When I'm having a tough time...I come to my blogger friends.  Or to one of the few real life friends who know about this whole band business and who can support me.  I'm not doing this on my own...and I am super grateful for that!

Rule # 18 - Limber Up - Stretching is important, whether you're killing zombies or killing fat cells.

Rule # 22 - When In Doubt, Know Your Way Out - When I go out for dinner, I try, if at all possible, to go online and check the menu beforehand.  If they have nutritional information, even better!  And I usually order asking for half to be served to me on the plate and the other half put in a take-away container so there's no chance I will injure myself on all the deliciousness that I didn't have to cook.

Rule # 31 - Check The Back Seat - I don't know how this applies to weight loss...but I can fit in any back seat now because MY back seat is shrinking...so yay!

Rule # 32 - Enjoy The Little Things - Every NSV is important.  Something new happens every day...something that you couldn't do yesterday, or some piece of clothing that fits now that you never thought you'd squeeze your fat ass into ever again...and every single one of those moments is a bit of fried gold!  So get to know your inner cheerleader!  You can call her "Gilly"!

And remember kids...a little sunscreen never hurt anybody.

Because All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Some before and during pictures.  I'm actually not seeing a huge difference...although it might help if my standard uniform wasn't a tent.  However, I am not brave like you underpants people!

 

Opposite!

You know what's super cool?  Remember when you were at your fattest...or on your way to getting to your fattest?  You had clothes that you loved, and you'd wash them and take them out of the dryer, and every time you'd put them on, you'd have that little worry in the pit of your stomach that they'd be tight.  Or when seasons changed, and you took your jeans out of the closet (or the drawer, or off the shelf...how the hell do I know where you people keep your jeans) and you were scared to put them on because what if they were too tight, and you kind of knew that they were going to be. 

Well right now, everything is the OPPOSITE of that!!  Every time I put something on, I wonder...is this going to be too big on me?  Can I still wear this or is it too baggy now?  Or when my fat girl brain cells give me that little twinge of worry that something is going to be tight, my thin girl brain cells turn to them and go "no doofus...she's SMALLER now than the last time she wore that...it will be BIGGER on her now" and then they roll their eyes at them.

That is SO much better than the other way!

Memory Lane

This is the house where I used to live.  I went to the University of Windsor (right across the river from Detroit) and I lived in the most AWESOME house, with 5 other girls...and one bathroom!  Back in the day, it had a huge porch on the front of it, and it was just...fun.  This weekend I went back to Windsor to visit my cousin who just moved near there...and I dragged my family for the tour.  It made me sad to drive down my old street.  It's basically right under the Ambassador Bridge (you can see the bridge in the background there), and I guess the owner of the bridge decided he was going to widen it, so he bought out all the houses on that street so he could tear them down and make the bridge bigger.  But I'm told that there was some sort of injunction and the government stopped him from doing it (I may be wrong about this...it's what I was told but I was too lazy to actually research it)...so now, the whole street sits there, overgrown and boarded up...the street where I spent soooo many fun (often drunken) times...it's a ghost-town.  *sigh*

 Me and my big boy B at my University campus.

In other news, I was SUCH a good girl this weekend away!  I lost almost 3lbs for the challenge, and I swam every chance I got (in a salt water pool!  Holy crap...salt water is the BEST thing...how can I go back to peasant chlorine pools after THAT??)  But the most amazing thing is I WALKED EVERYWHERE!!  I went to an outlet mall to find a pair of reward Coach sunglasses (I didn't find a pair I loved...sucky) and walked the whole thing...then walked all over my University campus.  I was amazed!  What amazed me the most was that my brain told me I couldn't do it.  My brain was like "oh HELL no!".  But what came out of my mouth was "oh let's just walk it".  Say WHAT???  And I could!   And I DID!  Stupid brain!  That guy never wants to do anything!

 Me and my little one, G, doing some swimming.  I think that blurry makes me look better!

This week is the first full week of school's out summer holidays.  Right now they are watching a movie, but I am going to try to throw some physical activity in each day.  Whether it's bowling, or swimming...or the bike ride I'm going to try this year (WHAAAAAT?????  Yes!!)  Just something physical.  That's my goal for the summer.  And that's my story.

Why Cool Ranch Doritos Are The Devil

Not to be unfair...the giant Costco bag of "Munchies" (you know...the mixed ones with Sun Chips and mini-Doritos and pretzels and Cheetos all mixed together?  Basically a fat girl's wet dream of chips?  Yeah, those.) also played a part in overthrowing all my good work in the last week or so.  Well not overthrowing.  Maybe I'm going for a little of the drama there, but that is a good word!  However, here is what I have learned from the Doritos and the Munchies:  when you're doing well, and being good, and conquering your head hunger on a fairly regular basis...an evening that involves copious handfuls of the crispy, salty, transcendent snacks will derail you in ways you didn't think possible.  Since I succumbed to the temptation, I have been struggling.  And I blame the chippies!  The night of the chippies invasion, I could NOT stop (band?  what band??)  And normally, I'm so lazy that really, if you move the chip bowl out of my reach to where I'd have to get up off my arse to GET the chips, that works for me.  But that night, I just kept finding reasons to go over to where the chips were.  And I kept "re-discovering" the chips.  Arg.  And since then...everything eating-wise has been tougher.

What I'm hoping is that the junk will be out of my system by today and I can move on healthfully and see a nice loss this week.  To reverse the effects of the snarfing down of the chips, I went and did a cardio class...then went swimming...then tried (and failed miserably) to finish Jillian's shred  (thank you Joey!).  I haven't weighed, but today I have some swimming with the fruits of my loins planned (summer holidays started today...jeebus help me).  I am also looking at the big silver exercise ball that I forced hubs to find last night and inflate for me.  I'm debating sitting on it...but I am terrified to sit on it and have it explode on me.  That's the kind of thing that would be a mortifying setback at this stage of the game, no?

It's looking at me.  Daring me to sit on it.  I'll let you know how it goes...

The Big 7-0!!!

I did it!!  Actually...not only did I hit 70 lbs down, I PASSED it!!  I kicked its ass and made it my bitch!

Last night I went to a party with my BFF, who is the most fabulous and supportive friend, and I wish everyone could take this journey having a friend like her!  She always listens to all my BS with intense interest, and she always tells me how amazed she is by my progress.  Last night she walked me home from the party, and I'm sure that the walk is what put me past the 70lb mark.  When we were growing up, we played Barbies a LOT...so the picture is a tribute to the number and a tribute to her!  Love you Marla!

And of course, I need to thank all of you, my wonderful, supportive blog friends!  I don't know what I would do without this community of fabulous, supportive, hilarious, brilliant bloggers!  I feel very lucky to have all of you!!

When Bollywood Blast Turns Out To Be Zumba

Well...colour me disappointed.  Tonight I had signed up for a special class called "Bollywood Blast", which I assumed would be a little like belly dancing, but with an Indian flare.  It sounded fun!  And then when I got there, my ass jingles gloriously shaking, they tell me that the girl who was going to teach the class hurt her ankle, and so it was going to be a Zumba class instead.  Which would normally be great...but I really wanted to try this...and also...ass jingles!  Anyway, I did the class (which was taught by this Russian hip hop dance instructor and very nearly killed me!) and now I am home, relaxing.

This week was great workout-wise, and really good food-wise, and this morning, I felt rib bones!  The scale isn't being as friendly as I'd like, and I'm still awaiting the big 7-0, but I know my body is changing.  I'm excited about the exercise, even though it hurts me quite a bit.  People are really noticing the loss, and it's making me feel good, because it means that it's not just my imagination that I'm getting smaller.  Because honestly...doesn't it sometimes feel that way?  Like it's not really real?  Sometimes for me it does.

Send me all your weight loss vibes so I can hit 70 down by Meltdown weigh in on Sunday!

Torn ACL

Well...no wonder my knee disliked the Zumba class more than my ass did...turns out, my ACL is completely torn.  It was torn slightly when I was 20, but apparently, when I fell last winter, I finished it off.  Also I have osteoarthritis in the knee, a cyst, and some bone fragments.  Niiiice!  So that was the MRI report today...and I will have to go talk to a surgeon to see if it's worth it to have surgery, which is a pretty gross surgery (I advise you NOT to search it on youtube and spend several hours watching in horror) with a long recovery time.  Knee brace, here I come.

That said, tomorrow I am going to do Zumba because I liked it, and my ass urgently needs to shrink more, since I found out the seat I'm in on the plane to Chicago is a window seat.  Stress!  Nothing like the stress of impending flarping over onto your neighbour's seat to put the fear of jeebus into you, right?  And I'm flying American Airlines...and I hear tell that those Americans* throw fatties off planes...

*I am aware that it was Southwest that tossed Kevin Smith off the plane...but still...