The Story Of Yesterday

So yesterday, I went to visit my lovely friend Carmieplops in the land of pancake wrapped sausages on sticks. Ah, America: the land of line-ups. I lined up to get into the country, to find a parking space, to get IN the Coach store (yeah...they make you line up to get INTO the store where they sell ridiculously overpriced, semi-attractive handbags!) There was a line to eat at the Olive Garden (yes I DID go there...excitedly and delightedly...and they didn't make me feel like family...but the breadsticks...my gods, the breadsticks!!) and then Wegmans was lined up out the wazoo (I have to stop and get all the fun food that I can't get in Canada. Combos and spray cheese, anyone??). Then of course, there was the line to get OUT of the country. Is it always like that? Sweet baby jeebus it was ridiculous! But it was worth every second to get to see Carmen (we met in Marshalls, for old times sake) and meet her brother! I'd do it all over again!

May I tell you a little story about GPS? Ok, here it is: I've never used one before. But my girlfriend Heather (pictured above, who also came along ) says to me, "don't worry about directions, I'm going to bring the GPS!" "Hooray!" I say, because I have NO sense of direction, and I get stressed out when I'm lost (which doesn't happen as often as you might think. Ok...yes it does. I can't lie to you!). If I learned one thing yesterday it is this: do NOT TRUST THE GPS! She is a stuck up, British bitch, and she says "Boulevard" like she has a cock in the back of her throat. Here's what she did to me: Heather put in the directions that we wanted to go home, avoiding toll roads. Reasonable, right? Except that to get back into Canada, there is a toll. We did not know this! The GPS gives us directions, and I follow them. The I-190 is TOTALLY packed with traffic, but that's ok, because the GPS tells us to get off at exit 25! Goodbye, traffic! I'm happy because I think that the GPS is giving us a magical back way to avoid traffic, because Heather tells me they're magical like that. I assure you...they are NOT. So I'm driving...and driving....following the pink line like a good girl...and I'm thinking "this seems wrong". But I hesitate to say anything, because I don't want to offend Heather, or the magical GPS which has taken us away from the dreaded traffic. And yet...somehow, I know this is wrong. After some discussion, Heather concludes that we ARE going the right way, and we are just driving parallel to Canada, and can't I FEEL the direction that we're going is right because she has an amazing sense of direction and she can just FEEL that we're going the right way. After 26km(!!) we come to the turn. And the GPS tells me to go 91 km (!!!!!) until the next road. At this point, I say eff this and pull into the parking lot at the Tops friendly market. She scrolls through the directions, and we realize that the GPS is taking us...wait for it...TO QUEBEC!!! Now, I like being right as much (ok...wayyyyy more) as the next person, but by now I'm mildly irritated. So we figure out that the stupid GPS isn't avoiding TRAFFIC...it's avoiding the TOLL. Arg. Now tell me...don't you think there should be some kind of thing programmed into those things where if it's going to take you home a way that's going to be like 8 HOURS out of your way, shouldn't it ask "are you sure?" I mean, Facebook asks me if I'm sure I want to POKE someone. Shouldn't GPS ask me if I'm sure I want to drive out of the PROVINCE in order to come back to the province?? Just sayin. Someone should send the GPS people a note.

Aaaaaanyhoo...we finally made it back in time to wait in the border line-up for an hour...and then we made it home...almost without incident. The GPS did eff me over one more time, but I won't bore you with the details. We made it home in one piece, and I am ever so much wiser. Of course now I've just told you a story in which I'm a stupid girl doing a stupid girl thing. Don't judge.