Here's What I Do:

I go to the grocery store, and I see all the junky, crappy food, and I contemplate buying it...and then I DON'T buy it (mostly)...and I feel all good about myself because I am strong, and I refuse to give in to temptation...and I pay for my real food, and go home.

AND THEN...

...I spend the rest of the day thinking about the crap that I DIDN'T buy, and mentally berate myself for not buying it!!

What the hell is up with that?? I need a band for my crazy brain. Pfft.

I Learned Something Today

Today I went on a local TV program to talk about weight/my band. It turned out to be lame and a little pointless, but I did get to meet the head doctor from my clinic, and got to talk to him at length. He told me something interesting that I didn't know, and I wonder how many of us knew this: he told me that they've learned that when we eat, the food doesn't actually sit in the pouch and slowly trickle down into the lower stomach. What happens is, we take a bite, and we swallow, and it goes through...slower than it would normally, but pretty much right away. Which means that it's totally possible to eat around the band. Which means that when we say we can eat more than a cup, it's because yeah...we CAN! Which means that sticking to a cup of food is even more important than I thought! I'm telling you...it blew my mind! I live in fear of stretching my pouch, but in reality, unless you're severely too tight, that's pretty hard to do. But it put a whole new light on remembering to LISTEN to my body, eat as little as I can of good, real foods, and make sure it's only when my body is telling me I'm hungry. So easily said...

It was great having the doctor all to myself for a while! The only time I've every actually talked to the surgeon was at my consult and at my surgery. Although my clinic is amazing, I usually talk to the nurses, so today was a treat!

Confessions

So...a while back, I mentioned that I might be involved in a pro-lap band campaign that my surgeon's office suggested me for. Well...in March, a film crew came to my house, and they talked to me about what my "moment of truth" was, and my experiences with obesity and the lap band. And since then, I've done a few radio, tv and print interviews. And I haven't told anyone, because I'm not loving the way some of the interviews are going...more that I'm being the face of obesity, rather than the face of someone who is having success with the lap band. However, the big picture seems to be that this campaign is drawing attention to the problem of obesity, and possibly, HOPEFULLY, might lead to changes in the health care system so that the lap band procedure might someday be covered! If that happened, it would be unbelievable! And I sincerely hope that the government will realize that spending $16,000 on lap band surgery will be much much cheaper than the countless thousands they will eventually spend on obesity related complications, and that they'd be giving thousands of people a chance at LIFE! That's my hope.

They asked me for a before and a recent picture; our beloved Jenny was kind enough to put the shots together for me (WITH a graphic, and I love her endlessly for it!), and since I'm a girl who loves her comparison shots, I now present you...ME!

Dear Karma:

Please stop kicking my ass! I don't know what I did to piss you off, but whatever it was, I'm super sorry!! Whatever it takes to get my universe back into check, I'll do it! I swear, I'll keep my eyes open for old ladies who need help crossing the street, and the next time I go through the Tim Horton's drive through, I'll totally pay for the guy behind me, even if he gets more than just coffee and a doughnut. Will that make me square with the house again? Pretty please?*sigh*

Over the past week or so, both my boys have been sick. SO sick. Sicker than I've ever seen either of them (admittedly, I'm blessed with kids who were never colicky or croupy, never been on antibiotics or had an ear infection, so hate me if you must). It started out with puking, and then moved on to them just running a fever and languishing in bed for days moaning and looking pitiful as I beg them to drink Pedialyte. It's horrible. And the worst part of it? I'm such a horrible person (hmm...maybe this is part of that whole Karma thing...) that during all of it, I'm terrified that I'M going to get it and that I'M going to throw up! I know!! Bad mother! BAD!

But the thing is, since I got my band, I haven't puked. Not even a PB. And I live in fear of puking and slipping my band! I realize that puking at some point is ineveitable. And that some of you do it on a fairly regular basis with no band slippage. And yet...I'm terrified. My hands are raw from having washed them so many times. I'm psychotic...I know this.

Thank you for letting me vent. And if any of you have any ins with Ms. Karma, can you whisper a word in her ear on my behalf? Rock on.

Progress Pictures Because I Feel Like It!

I'm feeling a little bored and lonely today...so I'm posting a couple of pictures, because sometimes it just makes you happy to see how far you've come...

Sadly, that trip to Belfast (above) was nowhere near as fun as it could have been...as it would be if I were in this body now. I will go back though. And I will do EVERYTHING I want to do.

Body Pump

Sweet Jesus. I will post more when my arms stop shaking and I can lift them past my chest.

Pantry...OF DOOM!!!

You people disappoint me! I thought there were going to be pages of freakiness after my last post, but either you're all too chicken to admit what freakshows you truly are or...and this is pretty possible...perhaps I am one who is the freakshow? Noooo. Crap.

So, I've been thinking about food a lot these past few weeks (aka: every second of my entire life, but I mean MORESO these past few weeks), and I've been trying to be more critical of myself. I don't just mean not buying the really awesome looking package of licorice that's on sale for practically NOTHING because the KIDS would love it (seriously...they were practically paying ME to take it! But I digress...). I mean looking at the crap I already have in my house, and wondering what the hell?

There's dog food in here from the dog I don't even have any more.

You people have pantries, right? I have one. It's overflowing. But don't worry...I'll still go grocery shopping at least 2 more times this week and add to it. However, right now, I'm going to take you through it a little, as a way of talking out some of my crazy.

Do we have enough BBQ sauce?? And packages of plastic cutlery? I hope so!

#1. Why can't I walk past a can of Chunky Soup on sale without buying it? Is it because I think that the inner debate over whether to eat it with a fork or a spoon might burn calories? Is it because it's just SO damn chunky? Is it because it eats like a meal? I don't know, but man...I buy a lot of that crap. But I don't eat it. I feed it to my family. Because apparently, their sodium levels are of no concern to me. I suck!

#2. I own more pasta than anyone ever has in the history of man. We eat pasta maybe once a week. But if I see a bag of reasonably-priced bow tie pasta, I just have to have it. I HAVE to!

Thank gods, I'm not running out of jars of Alfredo sauce any time soon!

#3. According to my pantry, clearly I fear that someday soon, there is going to be a shortage of mayonnaise and mayonnaise based products. No worries, sandwich lovers; I am covered!

#4. Jello. So...when I had my surgery, one of the things on the shopping list was jello. Because there's always room for Jello! Want to know what I hate? JELLO! And I had like 10 boxes of it in there anyway! But I bought MORE, because why? They told me to? Well, at this point, I could pretty much encase one of the children in jello if I wanted to. Maybe that will be a summer project.

#5. I have more boxes of cereal than the good folks at Kellogs. This is just a small sampling. I have a problem.

Upon closer inspection of the pantry today, I discovered that I have food in there that has moved with me twice. And I've lived in this house for 11 years. I wouldn't even donate that to the food bank at this point. And yet...there it sits. Looking at me. Judging me. Eff you, Mr. Christie! You make good cookies, but STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!

Discuss.