Shake One...Down!

Ok...it's 2:23 in the afternoon and I'm just having my first shake. I'm starving! I had to go to a funeral at noon for a friends' mum, so I'm only getting to "eat" now...but it's remarkable when I have this focus...this THING that I'm doing...how much easier it is to turn off the little voice in my head that's been controlling me. Why is it so much easier to quit food cold turkey (so to speak) than it is to manage my intake. Arg!!

These things taste EXACTLY the same. Yuck. However...I am envisioning my liver shrinking as I type this. lol!

OH! And news: I got a little Christmastime job at the LCBO (the Liquor store in Ontario - it's controlled by the gov't). It's like the mother ship is calling me home! When they asked me in my interview why I wanted to work there, one of my answers was "because it will bring me close to the wine...and who wouldn't want to be close to the wine?" And they hired me ANYWAY! Suckers!!! I'm excited! I'm hoping to make a little money to help with xmas, and maybe enough to fund Chicago next year. Wheee!

Slim Time - Day One

Almost 2 years later...here I am again...on shakes. This will be a one week odyssey, purely to get my system back on track after too much sugar, and hopefully, to gain control before x-mas, so I don't go crazy.

Theoretically, this time around should be easier. I have a band now, and that helps with my hunger, so I shouldn't experience the wild starvation that I experienced during the first week of shakes last time. And I'm wondering if maybe...just MAYBE...if the fast is going well at the end of the week, if I won't order a couple more boxes and do one more week, to really gain some ground in terms of actual weight loss. I guess I'll have to see. Last time, in the almost 3 weeks I did shakes, I lost 25lbs. Not that I am under the delusion that I'd lose anything close to that at this point, but still.

Right now I haven't 'eaten' anything yet (shakes will be lunch and dinner), am drinking a coffee, and I'm not hungry, so it's easy to speculate. I do feel really happy that I'm doing something to take control. Yay me!

Downward spiral to come...

Question

Why are the negative stimuli (getting painfully stuck, sliming, feeling sick, being riddled with guilt for having eaten *insert sinful, guilt inducing food choice here*, feeling bloated and over-full, hating yourself) never enough to make us stop eating when we feel full? Or, more importantly, why don't they stop us from STARTING in the first place? I mean...if you reach out and touch an electric fence and you get a big shock...chances are, you're not gonna touch that electric fence again. Right? Shouldn't it work the same with eating? Does this make any sense? Any psychiatrists in the audience want to take a crack at this?

(PS: I would also accept chiming in from armchair psychiatrists on this one)

Drastic Measures

Remember the liquid diet? If you're so inclined, I invite you to travel back in time with me, to a time when nobody was reading my blog, and I had no idea what this blogging community would come to mean to me, and to a time when I went through the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, including childbirth: my liquid diet. I was well over 300lbs, and it nearly killed me.

Well my friends...I just signed up to do it again. Voluntarily. I just put in my order for one week's worth of liquid diet "shakes" (oh how loosely I use that word!)

I am (as, it seems, is the entire blogisphere) DE-FUCKING-RAILED! I'm not sure if it's Halloween, or mood related, or just that I got a little too comfy in thinking I had it all under control...most likely a combination of all those things...but it stops now. Well...Monday, actually. But the point is that it's going to stop. I'm going to do something drastic so I can get my carb cravings under control, and I can get this train moving again.

I want to make something very very clear though: there is nothing wrong with my band. My band is performing perfectly. I am not hungry. Any failure that's happening here is my own, to do with my own issues with food and my own head. My band continues to do exactly what it's supposed to do: control my hunger. And that's the scary thing here.

So watch this space. This next week should be a doosie!

Digging Myself Out

Out of the pile of Halloween candy wrappers, that is. This last week has been a heady sugar high, basically me letting food totally control me EXACTLY the way it always has. It has actually amazed me, my lack of control over my own actions. It's scared me.

The other day, I was having a conversation with a few people about alcoholism. We were discussing what makes you an "alcoholic", and whether we'd consider ourselves to be one. And what I said was that I know I'm not an alcoholic because booze doesn't control me. And the reason I know this is because food does.

I love wine, and I enjoy drinking...but I don't think about it all the time. I don't plan my life around how I can get wine. I don't NOT go to a place because it might interrupt drinking time, or because there's better wine at home. I don't spend an entire day excited because I'm going out for wine. I don't secretly drink it and then hide the evidence. But I do all those things for food. And frankly, it's pissing me off how little control I've been having recently with regards to my eating, and how much I'm letting stupid FOOD control ME!!

This week. Today. Today I'm going to try to re-gain some of that control. I'm going to think about whether I actually feel hunger. I'm going to try to drink water. I'm going to portion my food, and only eat things that are on a plate. I'm going to chew. And I'm going to record everything on livestrong.com.

Someone should do a challenge. I do better when there's a challenge. *sigh*

I feel better now that I've told you guys that.

Did I Tell You I'm In A Play?

So...way back in June or something, on a whim, I went and auditioned for a play. Just a community theatre production (although I live in a pretty big city, with a very well established theatre community). I went with a girlfriend, more as moral support than anything...I wasn't even sure I'd read. But I did. And I got the part! I'm playing Cookie Cusack in Neil Simon's "Rumors". A few of you already know this, and I made sure I told Tessie Rose in Chicago, because she is a superstar and I aspire to be just like her! Anyway...I've spent a good chunk of August, September and October rehearsing. We were to open last week. But that didn't happen.

There were "problems" with the theatre, and City workers complained, and long story short, they had to do a bunch of repairs before we could open. And so, we missed our opening week. We actually weren't sure we'd be able to open at all, which would have been super disappointing. However, by some miracle, we were able to get into the theatre yesterday, got the set built in mere HOURS, and today, we will do our tech/dress rehearsal for tomorrow's opening! So I'm letting myself start to get a little excited!

I haven't been on stage since high school. It was something I LOVED doing, but would never have considered any longer in the body I used to be living in. And now look! I've been bitten by the acting bug once again...I think I'm infected for life this time! And I'm pretty damn happy about it!

Losing My Belt Virginity

Ok...so in Chicago, the lovely Shannon gave me this super cool dress right off her back! And I loved it and was so genuinely thrilled...it's currently holding the titles of Most Favourite AND Most Badass item of clothing I own! And with it, she gave me a belt? A WHAT?? Fat chicks don't wear BELTS! Do they??

YES THEY MOTHEREFFING DO!!!

I think, although I'm not sure...I'm pretty sure though...(what??) that I'm going to turn into a belt whore! And I love it! I turned a semi-crappy $7 Gap top into a totally HOT stylish top in 2 seconds! Why have I been running from belts my whole life? Oh...right...because of morbid obesity. Ok...but now I have a waist! Also, wearing a belt makes my boobs look bigger! WIN WIN!

From now on, I will be running TOWARDS belts. Like that scene from Little House on the Prairie, where Mary is running towards her true love, and it's all in slow motion, and her hair is golden and flying behind her? And her true love is running towards her, arms outstretched, and you know when they finally reach each other, everything is going to be beautiful and perfect! Well that's gonna be me. And belts. Yep.

Thank you Shannon!!!!