Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Four Pounds!
One day of semi-torture, and my scale says I'm down 4 pounds. Water weight is a powerful thing! I was surprised by how much I peed yesterday, actually. You're welcome for sharing.
Last night I had my last shake at around 7:30. By 9:30 I was starving, so I decided to eat 2 tablespoonfuls of sunflower seeds and go to bed so I would stop thinking about food. The sunflower seeds definitely stopped my tummy growling! Going to bed at a ridiculously early hour so you stop thinking about eating...that's an old dieter's trick taught to me by my mother.
Today is going to be about keeping busy so I don't think about food. I'm a little weak and dizzy, but I know (from experience) that will pass. My biggest obstacle will be that today is my big boy's 11th birthday. That usually means taking him to some fast food place for lunch, or out to dinner. So I'm going to have to exercise some major control at lunchtime. His present is he and daddy going on a road trip to see an AHL game - he's a big Penguins fan, so they're going to Binghampton, NY to see a game. It'll be his first trip to the States, and he's VERY excited about seeing what the USA looks like (I can't wait to hear how disappointed he's going to be when he sees that it's exactly the same as here) and getting to use his passport. How am I old enough to have an 11 year old??
Laundry and cleaning the bedroom, here I come!
Last night I had my last shake at around 7:30. By 9:30 I was starving, so I decided to eat 2 tablespoonfuls of sunflower seeds and go to bed so I would stop thinking about food. The sunflower seeds definitely stopped my tummy growling! Going to bed at a ridiculously early hour so you stop thinking about eating...that's an old dieter's trick taught to me by my mother.
Today is going to be about keeping busy so I don't think about food. I'm a little weak and dizzy, but I know (from experience) that will pass. My biggest obstacle will be that today is my big boy's 11th birthday. That usually means taking him to some fast food place for lunch, or out to dinner. So I'm going to have to exercise some major control at lunchtime. His present is he and daddy going on a road trip to see an AHL game - he's a big Penguins fan, so they're going to Binghampton, NY to see a game. It'll be his first trip to the States, and he's VERY excited about seeing what the USA looks like (I can't wait to hear how disappointed he's going to be when he sees that it's exactly the same as here) and getting to use his passport. How am I old enough to have an 11 year old??
Laundry and cleaning the bedroom, here I come!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Shake One...Down!
Ok...it's 2:23 in the afternoon and I'm just having my first shake. I'm starving! I had to go to a funeral at noon for a friends' mum, so I'm only getting to "eat" now...but it's remarkable when I have this focus...this THING that I'm doing...how much easier it is to turn off the little voice in my head that's been controlling me. Why is it so much easier to quit food cold turkey (so to speak) than it is to manage my intake. Arg!!
These things taste EXACTLY the same. Yuck. However...I am envisioning my liver shrinking as I type this. lol!
OH! And news: I got a little Christmastime job at the LCBO (the Liquor store in Ontario - it's controlled by the gov't). It's like the mother ship is calling me home! When they asked me in my interview why I wanted to work there, one of my answers was "because it will bring me close to the wine...and who wouldn't want to be close to the wine?" And they hired me ANYWAY! Suckers!!! I'm excited! I'm hoping to make a little money to help with xmas, and maybe enough to fund Chicago next year. Wheee!
These things taste EXACTLY the same. Yuck. However...I am envisioning my liver shrinking as I type this. lol!
OH! And news: I got a little Christmastime job at the LCBO (the Liquor store in Ontario - it's controlled by the gov't). It's like the mother ship is calling me home! When they asked me in my interview why I wanted to work there, one of my answers was "because it will bring me close to the wine...and who wouldn't want to be close to the wine?" And they hired me ANYWAY! Suckers!!! I'm excited! I'm hoping to make a little money to help with xmas, and maybe enough to fund Chicago next year. Wheee!
Slim Time - Day One
Almost 2 years later...here I am again...on shakes. This will be a one week odyssey, purely to get my system back on track after too much sugar, and hopefully, to gain control before x-mas, so I don't go crazy.
Theoretically, this time around should be easier. I have a band now, and that helps with my hunger, so I shouldn't experience the wild starvation that I experienced during the first week of shakes last time. And I'm wondering if maybe...just MAYBE...if the fast is going well at the end of the week, if I won't order a couple more boxes and do one more week, to really gain some ground in terms of actual weight loss. I guess I'll have to see. Last time, in the almost 3 weeks I did shakes, I lost 25lbs. Not that I am under the delusion that I'd lose anything close to that at this point, but still.
Right now I haven't 'eaten' anything yet (shakes will be lunch and dinner), am drinking a coffee, and I'm not hungry, so it's easy to speculate. I do feel really happy that I'm doing something to take control. Yay me!
Downward spiral to come...
Theoretically, this time around should be easier. I have a band now, and that helps with my hunger, so I shouldn't experience the wild starvation that I experienced during the first week of shakes last time. And I'm wondering if maybe...just MAYBE...if the fast is going well at the end of the week, if I won't order a couple more boxes and do one more week, to really gain some ground in terms of actual weight loss. I guess I'll have to see. Last time, in the almost 3 weeks I did shakes, I lost 25lbs. Not that I am under the delusion that I'd lose anything close to that at this point, but still.
Right now I haven't 'eaten' anything yet (shakes will be lunch and dinner), am drinking a coffee, and I'm not hungry, so it's easy to speculate. I do feel really happy that I'm doing something to take control. Yay me!
Downward spiral to come...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Question
Why are the negative stimuli (getting painfully stuck, sliming, feeling sick, being riddled with guilt for having eaten *insert sinful, guilt inducing food choice here*, feeling bloated and over-full, hating yourself) never enough to make us stop eating when we feel full? Or, more importantly, why don't they stop us from STARTING in the first place? I mean...if you reach out and touch an electric fence and you get a big shock...chances are, you're not gonna touch that electric fence again. Right? Shouldn't it work the same with eating? Does this make any sense? Any psychiatrists in the audience want to take a crack at this?
(PS: I would also accept chiming in from armchair psychiatrists on this one)
(PS: I would also accept chiming in from armchair psychiatrists on this one)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Drastic Measures
Remember the liquid diet? If you're so inclined, I invite you to travel back in time with me, to a time when nobody was reading my blog, and I had no idea what this blogging community would come to mean to me, and to a time when I went through the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, including childbirth: my liquid diet. I was well over 300lbs, and it nearly killed me.
Well my friends...I just signed up to do it again. Voluntarily. I just put in my order for one week's worth of liquid diet "shakes" (oh how loosely I use that word!)
I am (as, it seems, is the entire blogisphere) DE-FUCKING-RAILED! I'm not sure if it's Halloween, or mood related, or just that I got a little too comfy in thinking I had it all under control...most likely a combination of all those things...but it stops now. Well...Monday, actually. But the point is that it's going to stop. I'm going to do something drastic so I can get my carb cravings under control, and I can get this train moving again.
I want to make something very very clear though: there is nothing wrong with my band. My band is performing perfectly. I am not hungry. Any failure that's happening here is my own, to do with my own issues with food and my own head. My band continues to do exactly what it's supposed to do: control my hunger. And that's the scary thing here.
So watch this space. This next week should be a doosie!
Well my friends...I just signed up to do it again. Voluntarily. I just put in my order for one week's worth of liquid diet "shakes" (oh how loosely I use that word!)
I am (as, it seems, is the entire blogisphere) DE-FUCKING-RAILED! I'm not sure if it's Halloween, or mood related, or just that I got a little too comfy in thinking I had it all under control...most likely a combination of all those things...but it stops now. Well...Monday, actually. But the point is that it's going to stop. I'm going to do something drastic so I can get my carb cravings under control, and I can get this train moving again.
I want to make something very very clear though: there is nothing wrong with my band. My band is performing perfectly. I am not hungry. Any failure that's happening here is my own, to do with my own issues with food and my own head. My band continues to do exactly what it's supposed to do: control my hunger. And that's the scary thing here.
So watch this space. This next week should be a doosie!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Digging Myself Out
Out of the pile of Halloween candy wrappers, that is. This last week has been a heady sugar high, basically me letting food totally control me EXACTLY the way it always has. It has actually amazed me, my lack of control over my own actions. It's scared me.
The other day, I was having a conversation with a few people about alcoholism. We were discussing what makes you an "alcoholic", and whether we'd consider ourselves to be one. And what I said was that I know I'm not an alcoholic because booze doesn't control me. And the reason I know this is because food does.
I love wine, and I enjoy drinking...but I don't think about it all the time. I don't plan my life around how I can get wine. I don't NOT go to a place because it might interrupt drinking time, or because there's better wine at home. I don't spend an entire day excited because I'm going out for wine. I don't secretly drink it and then hide the evidence. But I do all those things for food. And frankly, it's pissing me off how little control I've been having recently with regards to my eating, and how much I'm letting stupid FOOD control ME!!
This week. Today. Today I'm going to try to re-gain some of that control. I'm going to think about whether I actually feel hunger. I'm going to try to drink water. I'm going to portion my food, and only eat things that are on a plate. I'm going to chew. And I'm going to record everything on livestrong.com.
Someone should do a challenge. I do better when there's a challenge. *sigh*
I feel better now that I've told you guys that.
The other day, I was having a conversation with a few people about alcoholism. We were discussing what makes you an "alcoholic", and whether we'd consider ourselves to be one. And what I said was that I know I'm not an alcoholic because booze doesn't control me. And the reason I know this is because food does.
I love wine, and I enjoy drinking...but I don't think about it all the time. I don't plan my life around how I can get wine. I don't NOT go to a place because it might interrupt drinking time, or because there's better wine at home. I don't spend an entire day excited because I'm going out for wine. I don't secretly drink it and then hide the evidence. But I do all those things for food. And frankly, it's pissing me off how little control I've been having recently with regards to my eating, and how much I'm letting stupid FOOD control ME!!
This week. Today. Today I'm going to try to re-gain some of that control. I'm going to think about whether I actually feel hunger. I'm going to try to drink water. I'm going to portion my food, and only eat things that are on a plate. I'm going to chew. And I'm going to record everything on livestrong.com.
Someone should do a challenge. I do better when there's a challenge. *sigh*
I feel better now that I've told you guys that.
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