Thank you, all of you treasures, for all the support after my crap day yesterday! It means a lot to me that you guys are so totally there when one of us feels like they're falling. Last night I fell, and I know it won't be the last time, but here's what I learned:
1) I can confess on my blog, and nobody will judge me or be mad at me, or hate me, and I'll probably get some pretty cool advice.
2) It's only one day out of what will be a very long journey. One day.
3) Eating pure sugar makes me crave ALL junk food. Voraciously! Since the "unpleasantness", I am just one big old craving machine. I actually am dying for a Big Mac! I HATE Big Macs!
Don't get me wrong. I'm really not denying myself anything I want. I'm pretty much eating whatever I feel like eating, only less...but the Bulk Barn experience just reeked so badly of fat girl excess and lack of control...that's what made me feel bad about it. Because really, I can do better. However, I allowed myself to go in that place with an enable-y sort of a friend...and I caved...and I am going to try to learn from this and not do that particular thing again.
Here's something: The other day, I was out for dinner with a new friend. He's very tall and naturally thin. And we were eating pasta at this adorable little Italian bistro downtown, and, of course, I only ate a very tiny bit of it. Since he was a fairly new friend, and since he was paying for dinner, I felt self conscious about how much of the dinner I ate, especially after the waiter asked if mine had been alright. Being that I feel very comfortable with this dude, and being that I absolutely HATE when fatties pretend that they don't eat when they're out in public, I told him about my surgery and the recent addition of Mona to my life. He was supportive and interested...but he also had a curiosity about it that I haven't encountered until now. His curiousity was very understandable from someone who eats to survive and has never had a problem with weight in his life; it was more about how had I let it get to the point where I needed surgery to save myself. Now first of all, he didn't put it like that...that is my fat-girl interpretation - but really, it's the core of what he was asking. And it actually STUMPED me! I sat there, my usually verbose self, and felt my mind freeze. It's not that I haven't asked myself that very question every day of my life...but being faced with it in life...it was an eye opening moment. And I'm wondering if my Bulk Barn episode was my subconscious answer to that question.
Food for thought...so to speak...
Wow, interesting indeed about your dinner and your friend's questioning. I guess it's like that for anyone who doesn't have an addiction problem, or even a different addiction. After dealing with narcotics-induced horrendous constipation when I took Oxycontin after my c-sections, I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone could become addicted to it. Seriously, I only took it for two days! If I got addicted to that stuff, I'd never poop again.
ReplyDeleteI digress. It's always good to have a moment where you really think about why and how you eat, and how you got to the point that you felt you needed surgery. I'm not sure I have a solid answer for my own reasons yet, and maybe that's why I'm still struggling. But it's important to think about it.
Hang in there with the cravings. We're all still adjusting to this major life change. It'll get easier and easier.
Amazing post. Almost too much to comment on. Yesterday, I realized what an enabler I AM. Heart attack hubbie wanted Burger King... and I bought it for him. WTF. Why in the hell would I do that? I didn't eat any, but that's not even the point at all.
ReplyDeleteI have a million answers to how I got so fat. I think I'd also freeze if someone asked me that question, because I'd want to know if they were really serious enough to sit through all my answers.
And, I have yet to figure out my relationship with sugar. Whoa. Sometimes it comes out of no where, but good news is, it happens less often. But once it starts, it's hard to stop. There are many "safe" treats for me, and then some that start that voracious cycle. I know what you mean!
i find myself enabling my bf quite often and am trying to change that!
ReplyDeleteand redefining relationships with sugar/carbs/other crap is something i need to do too!!
That is very interesting Gilly. I hope you can answer those questions some day. I need to answer them myself. I'm not even close to figuring it out yet. It's very painful to think about. We can work in it together. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteThe support in this little Lapband blogger community is amazing.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to explain fatness to the skinnies, even if they're truly understanding. The only way, like we all do, is to compare it to any other addicition. That's really what it is.
Being overfull is like a needle in my veins. The inevitable guilt that follows is the 'coming down'.
I think my biggest reason for getting to this weight is that I got caught up in the diet/fail/eat/diet cycle. For instance, I'm doing my 6 month nutritional meetings required by my insurance, but I can't lose too much weight. Basically I need to stay the same or lose very little. So I've pretty much been eating whatever I want and I lost 3 lbs. Of course, if I had been trying to lose weight, 3 lbs would have been a big disappointment, I would've gotten mad and eaten myself up past the 3 lbs I lost. Good thing I'm getting the band.
ReplyDeleteGreat Post! I have had the time to think on this one for quite some time and I don't think the answer is clear cut; more multifaceted...and it wouldn't be a quick answer. Maybe 'I love food.' is a pat one to use when the company/setting isn't good for the long answer? Those that know me would accept the 'I dieted my way up the scale).
ReplyDelete